Anxiety 101: How to Support Your Child without Invalidating Their Emotional Experiences or Accommodating Their Irrational Beliefs
Anxiety is an incredibly tricky feeling to navigate, and it’s even more complex when kids are the ones experiencing it. This is true for several reasons: (1) Anxiety may not present as anxiety, and therefore it can easily go unnoticed, untreated and undiagnosed; (2) Anxiety can be responsible for defiant behavior, and may be punished as a result; (3) Anxiety wants what it wants, and this often looks like manipulative behavior that can be reinforced through parental enablement. None of the aforementioned circumstances leave much wiggle room for the acquisition of skills, which is what kids really need to conquer this feeling.
Despite the fact that all of us have anxiety, few of us know how to manage the symptoms. Most people fall back on lessons taught throughout their childhood, and when these messages have proven toxic, they tend to veer in an opposite, but not necessarily better, direction.
Parents have to be well-versed and educated on any and all physical and/or mental health conditions impacting their young ones. What many fail to notice is that mental health IS health and if parents do not know how to support their children, these youngsters will be left to their own devices, with anxiety serving as the team coach: “And, up next at bat we have Matt Meltdown with Shutdown Sally on deck and Rigid Rick in the dugout.” I’ve had these players in my home, and trust me when I say they are not cooperative teammates.
Read on to learn about how to support your child or teen when anxiety rears its head through the crevices of childhood and/or adolescence.
The connection between revealing and healing. Anxiety has many faces. Among these disguises are somatic symptoms (stomach aches, headaches, fatigue), anger and defiance. The old adage “Never just a book by its cover” is the perfect slogan for pediatric and adolescent feelings. Your cantankerous child might be having panic attacks or your unmotivated teen may be experiencing social anxiety. If you are not aware of what is beneath your youngster’s facade, you will not be able to help them. If you suspect your young one is experiencing anxiety, name this emotion for them, instead of connecting with the behavior that is on the surface.
Accommodation is exactly what anxiety wants. Parents accommodate worries by giving in to what the worry wants, instead of empowering their youngsters to face their fears. Parents intrinsically want to save their children from pain. This is completely acceptable and helpful if your child has a broken arm, GI issue or rash. The approach that works best with anxiety, however, is one of a paradoxical nature that requires the experience of discomfort in order to heal. The next time you respond to your younster’s worry, ask yourself this question: “Am I helping my child or am I assisting their anxiety?” If you find you are trying to help your youngster by quieting their anxiety, you are playing on the wrong team. Consider this as an example: Your child does not want to sleep alone because they feel afraid that there is a monster underneath their bed. Instead of encouraging your youngster to face their fear, you tell them that they don’t have to sleep alone and that you will spend the night with them in their bed. You are (1) validating their irrational beliefs, (2) establishing a behavioral pattern that upholds anxiety’s demands and (3) missing out on an opportunity to help your child problem-solve. Accommodation is extremely innocent on the surface, while creating toxic underpinnings that perpetuate anxiety’s messages underneath.
Avoidance: anxiety’s primary food group. Avoidance is the exact fuel anxiety needs to thrive. Parents have to tow the line between emotional validation (“Of course you feel that way. I understand completely, and that feeling makes perfect sense.”) and avoidance (“Of course you feel that way. You don’t have to go.”). The latter will reinforce the child’s fear instead of validating their emotions. Think of it this way: All feelings are valid, but they are not necessarily true. Just because your child or teen feels afraid does not mean something bad is going to happen. Kids have to arrive upon this truth themselves, and avoidance perpetuates the lies anxiety spins by preventing them from stepping into uncomfortable situations.
What if my child will not talk with me about their anxiety? If your child is having difficulty sharing with you, it might be time to seek the help of a trained therapist. You can begin by engaging in experience-sharing, which would require you to divulge some of your personal experiences or emotions. You can also begin the conversation while doing an activity such as driving in the car or taking a walk. Kids do better, generally speaking, when they do not think they are on the spot.
Invalidation undermines connection. Invalidation comes in all sizes and shapes. It can be as direct as, “That feeling is ridiculous,” or as discrete as an eye roll when your young one is sharing. Most parents participate in emotional invalidation because they want their children to be strong. What they don’t realize is that this lesson is coming with a hearty serving of shame, which creates a barrier to healing that is extremely challenging to deconstruct. Believe it or not, you are helping your child heal by holding space for their most challenging emotions, and you don’t have to know what to say to help. Sometimes all kids need is silence and a hug. We all are capable of that, and not only does it feel good, it promotes connection, which is the foundation of all healthy relationships.
Common myths (most parents believe)
If my child isn’t good at managing their feelings now they’ll never be. Wrong! Emotional management is a learned skill. If kids are not taught the skills during childhood and adolescence, when are they supposed to learn? Who your child is right now is not an accurate depiction of who they will be as an adult. Trust the process of emotional growth.
If my child looks OK on the outside, they’re OK on the inside. Incorrect! How emotions present on the outside and what they feel like on the inside are two different constructs. Looks can be deceiving, and you don’t want to hang your hat on an optical illusion.
I was part of a “suck it up” generation, and I turned out OK. Gen Xers and Xennials like to say this, but just the sheer fact that we feel the need to defend our upbringing suggests inherent wrongdoing. Answer this question: How do you manage strong emotions? If the answer is any version of pushing them down, deflection or avoidance, you have some work to do.
Anxiety is a seasoned trickster that is sheisty, manipulative and a compulsive truth spinner. You can tell I’ve intensely analyzed this one! It shows up in unexpected places, targets what matters most and encourages unsavory behaviors, including lying, defiance and flashing a “bad” attitude. Given that there is no handbook for parenting, parents who are raising children with anxiety have to make their own, and this requires learning from experience, consulting with professionals and seeking resources that are backed by data, not generational dynamics (I’m talking to you, Gen Xers.). Here are some good reads and listens you might want to consider as you build your guidebook:
BOOKS
Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents by Lynn Lyons and Dr. Wilson Reid
The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel
Breaking Free of Child and Anxiety and OCD by Eli Lebowitz
PODCASTS
