The Teenage Brain Explained: What All Parents Need to Know and are Rarely Told
It is no secret that teenagers have an incredibly poor developmental reputation. Tell any stranger on the street that you are raising an adolescent and your revelation will be met with eye rolls, snickers and well wishes–shared with a cynicism that suggests you, or your teen, might not survive this developmental time frame. Parents approach adolescence defensively based upon the biased information they have absorbed from family, friends and streaming platforms, and this sets both adults and teens up for failure, as parents are already at odds with their teens before adolescence actually begins.
There is some truth, however, to this narrative. Raising an adolescent is hard work. Parental strategies that worked when kids were younger tend to exacerbate negative behaviors in adolescence, and parents find themselves spinning their wheels, all while grieving the loss of their dear little one who thought that the sun rose and set on their existence.
In order to effectively respond to teen behavior, it is important to understand the developmental tasks young ones are biologically hardwired to accomplish, as well as how their brain is developing. Sadly, this information must be actively sought out, and exhausted parents rarely have the energy to both survive and learn about a developmental timespan that is effectively costing them their sanity.
Read on to learn about the neurological changes teenagers are experiencing that are responsible for hallmark behaviors connected with this age, as well as suggestions that can help parents respond to tricky adolescent behavior!
So, what’s happening inside that growing noggin?
The adolescent brain is undergoing many profound and critical changes. Here are a few, along with the observable behaviors to which they are connected:
There are two parts of the brain that every parent has to be familiar with: the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The amygdala is nuzzled within the limbic region and it is responsible for stress responses such as fight, flight and freeze. The prefrontal cortex is located in the front of the brain, just behind the forehead, and it helps with decision-making, planning and logic. The brain develops from the back to the front, starting with the brain stem, moving on to the limbic region and ending with the prefrontal cortex. This growth trajectory means that one of the first parts of the brain to mature is the emotional brain and the last part of the brain to fully develop is the thinking brain, which holds logic hostage until we are in our mid-20s. If your teenager is moody, irritable or quick to anger, an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex is to blame, and this is not their fault. Blame evolution, not your teen.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and reward. The teenage brain has an increase in dopamine signaling, which means that behaviors that trigger dopamine production are even more rewarding than they would be to an adult engaging in the same actions. Because of this influx in dopamine, teenagers are more likely to engage in behavior that feels good now rather than behavior that will feel good in the long term. Although your teenager is capable of making good decisions, their choices are often influenced by the levels of dopamine that their brain produces. Homework or Fortnite? If dopamine is in the driver's seat, that’s a no-brainer (no pun intended!).
Melatonin helps to regulate our sleep cycles. We feel sleepy when melatonin levels increase (typically at nighttime) and more alert when they decrease (typically in the morning). Teenagers’ body clocks are quite different from those of adults. Their melatonin levels rise and fall later in the day, which means they tire at a later hour than their parents and wake later as well. If your adolescent has difficulty going to bed or sleeps in until noon on weekends, they may be responding appropriately to the wonkiness of their biological clocks. There is no cause for concern, unless their sleep patterns are impacting their ability to function in the world.
Teens are engaging in the developmental task of identity versus role-confusion. In order to establish their identity effectively, they are going to have to experiment, which necessarily requires a trial-and-error approach. This can look like exploration of gender and/or sexuality, shifting friendships or succeeding fashion phases. Just like the toddler who is learning to walk or the 5-year-old who is going to school for the first time, adolescents need a supportive parental presence in order to complete the developmental task of establishing their identity. The problem is, your teen is going to act as if they do not want you there. Parents have to find a way to be quiet bystanders while screaming on the inside, which is not an easy feat.
How should I respond to challenging behavior?
While all of this information is great, it does not alter the reality of the situation, which is that teenagers can be moody, push boundaries and lead with their emotional brain. Parents have to be thoughtful and deliberate in their responses in order to prevent blowups that impact not just the parent-child dynamic, but the entire family’s emotional feng shui. Here are some ideas to consider:
Explain your decision-making process. “Because I said so” or “That’s just how it is” are no longer acceptable responses that will satisfy your youngster’s curiosity. Teenagers are investigative and curious. Their brains are gearing up for independence from an evolutionary standpoint, even if their behavior suggests otherwise. We don’t want our teens to follow the advice of their peers blindly, so it makes sense that they have to develop and practice the skill of questioning with us. Take the time to explain your reasoning behind decisions, and be curious about the emotions their responses are stirring up for you instead of focusing on their behavior. The former will encourage introspection while the latter will shut down self-reflection, which is requisite in effective and responsive parenting.
Involve your teen in choices that affect them. Fact: there are non-negotiables in life. Chores fall into this realm, as do other household expectations such as curfews, access to technology and school attendance. Alternate fact: Making your teen think that they have no agency in the decisions that affect them is likely to create explosive, defiant or shutting-down behaviors. Ask your teen if they would like to empty the dishwasher before or after they watch TV. Have your adolescent choose the shampoo and conditioner they want to use when showering (yes, teens have a tendency to abhor the shower, a common developmental challenge I know more about than I’d like to admit!). Creating choices for your young ones makes them feel like they are part of the team instead of the mule who is expected to do all of the work. Teamwork makes the dream work, and this is especially true when it comes to undesirable daily tasks.
Focus on the big picture. When asking your teen to comply with a request, most parents’ expectations are that not only will their teen engage in the behavior they are being asked to do, but they will also do so without eye rolling, a rude tone of voice or under-the-breath huffs and puffs. While it may be nice for teens to engage in chores with a smile on their face, this is not always within the realm of possibility. Furthermore, by asking our teens to do so, we are simultaneously telling them to suppress their emotions in an environment in which they are supposed to feel safe. Let little behaviors go as long as your teen is being compliant with the original request. For example, if you ask your young one to clear the table and they begin to do so with a scowl on their face, compliment them for complying with the requested task rather than admonishing them for being disrespectful. The former will build a foundation for compliance while the latter will begin a fight. Once you establish compliance, tackle the attitude. You truly do have to pick and choose your battles as a parent, and dying on the hill of typical, common and expected teen behavior is not worth it. You are fighting against biology.
Role-model the behavior you want your young one to demonstrate. Your teen is going to raise their voice, give attitude and roll their eyes whether you like it or not. Parents don’t get a say in this, but they do have a choice in how they respond to these behaviors. If you flash an attitude back to your teen, yell at them or hurl insults their way, they are likely to return the favor either in that moment or during a future interaction. Parents, of course, are going to have slip-ups. This isn’t what I’m referring to, but rather the idea that if we are role-modeling the behavior we are looking to extinguish, we are likely to perpetuate the exact problem and then blame it on our young ones. Work smarter not harder, and be reflective rather than reactive.
Connect, connect, connect. Parents feel as if they lose their children during adolescence, and they do, for a short time. Adolescence is a time of rapid growth not just for the brain, but for the whole person. Preferences shift, new attitudes form and identity crises wax and wane as adolescents go through different stages. Connection is more important during this time than ever, and if you can maintain a connection with your teen, not only will they exit the stage of adolescence, but your relationship will make it as well, unscathed, intact and ready for what comes next–young adulthood (don’t worry–we are not going there today).
Choose grace over guilt. Life is hard, and raising an adolescent–or two or three–is enough to push adults to the upper limits of their coping repertoire. Apologize to your teen if you say or do something that you regret, knowing that you are role-modeling how to admit you are wrong and make amends. When all else fails, phone a friend who is going through similar struggles or has raised a young adult. Accessing supports among friends and family will help you feel validated and less alone, while fostering the development of self-compassion.
Being a teenager in 2023 is not for the faint of heart. Teenagers are exposed to an omnipresent social media blitz, the frightening reality of school shootings, regularly occurring lockdown drills and body-image expectations that no single human can honor in a healthy way at any age. On top of this are the developmental stressors they are naturally experiencing, including a changing body, rapidly (and unevenly) developing brain and fluctuating hormones. No wonder they are so moody! Be patient with both yourself and your teen, knowing that this stage does not last forever. If you can find the beauty inside of this developmental time frame you will not just survive, you will flourish, and you are likely to find parental strengths within yourself you never knew existed.
