The Low-down on Panic: Helping Young Ones Cope and Feel Empowered
I remember the first panic attack I had. Boy, was it scary. I felt completely out of control of my body and mind and I dreaded a repeat occurrence (which came to fruition, despite my best–yet counterproductive–efforts). While I expected the panic to happen again, I did not expect to feel worse after sharing with some family members and friends. Here are the responses I received: “Oh no–how awful.” I hope you don’t have another one.” “That is terrible–you poor thing.” “Panic attacks are the WORST!” I walked away from these conversations feeling afraid, rather than supported or validated, and the lasting sentiments of these memorable conversations left me with the sense that I was helpless, hopeless and ill-equipped to manage the inevitable. It took a few years of therapy and several books for me to learn that panic is not the enemy–my mindset about panic was.
Despite thinking that my anxiety began in adulthood, I soon learned that it had been happening for a long time–I just never had the words to describe it with any accuracy. I have since felt a pressing responsibility after my childhood, adolescent and adult experiences with anxiety to educate and inform others about what anxiety and panic are. Like most things, we develop opinions that are consistent with their corresponding connotations, and panic is no exception. Anxiety and panic do not have much going for them in the social realm, and buying into the myths that most people spread make an uncomfortable situation unbearable and worthy of ruthless attempts at avoidance.
Today’s youth have more anxiety than their preceding generations. This could be for a myriad of reasons–regularly occurring school shootings, increased academic expectations, omnipresent social media platforms, etc. Whatever the precipitating reason, parents have to know how to respond to the anxiety and panic their young ones experience. A good parental plan begins with the language they use, the narrative they craft to share their own experiences with anxiety and learning the difference between supporting versus accommodating.
Following are some tips you may find useful as you navigate the murky waters of panic:
Learn about the biological purpose of panic. Part of what makes panic so difficult to deal with is the mystery that accompanies its origin. Panic seemingly comes out of the blue: the more you try to stop the symptoms, the stronger they become, and it feels as if your mind and body are betraying you. Panic results from a faulty amygdala that has set off a false alarm, notifying your body that there is danger it must avoid. The result is your body surges with super-power strength because it thinks it has to run or fight, and you are lying in your bed trying to fall asleep. Here is a great video you can use to educate yourself or your young one about the strange biological logic of panic attacks.
Talk less. The first thing we want to do when our children are struggling is try to talk them into a better headspace. This strategy can work well when your child’s “thinking brain” (their prefrontal cortex) is online, but during panic this part of the brain switches off so that the emotional brain can do its job. When your child is experiencing panic, the most effective way a parent can respond is to be a calming, quiet presence. Sit with your young one, help them to engage in deep breathing by breathing with them, or offer a hug. If you have to use language, keep it under ten words or less. “I am here with you.” “I am not going anywhere.” “Take some breaths with me.” When it comes to panic, less is more, especially in the language department.
Teach your youngster breathing techniques before the crisis occurs. Most of us wait until the panic attack occurs to practice deep breathing. The reasoning behind this procrastinative act makes sense: our bodies breathe all day long–why do I have to practice something my body intrinsically knows how to do? Your body may know how to breathe independent of conscious effort, but it does not know how to breathe deeply. Deep breathing is a skill that must be taught, practiced and individually explored. The time to do this is NOT during a panic attack; it is during moments of calm so that neural pathways can be created and muscle memory can be formed. Set aside time each day to engage in deep breathing with your young one, and take the liberty of using technology to your advantage while doing so. Some of my favorite apps are Breath2Relax, Calm, Headspace and Insight Timer.
Know the three tiers of calm. Dysregulation starts with our thoughts, moves on to our feelings and culminates with the big bang of making our bodies feel unsafe. Likewise, emotional regulation starts with our bodies, migrates toward our feelings and ends with our thinking. Think of it like this: SENSING→FEELING→THINKING. When your child is experiencing panic, start with body-based calming methods such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxations or offering sensory support such as a hug, weighted blanket or the option to take a walk, which will promote gross muscle movement and provide a change of scenery. After you think your child’s body is regulated, move onto their feelings. Have them draw, listen to music or share about their experience. Lastly, see if they are able to process what happened on a cognitive level. You can ask them questions like, “What was that like for you?” “What did your body feel like?” or “What can help you the next time this happens?” Do not try and reason with a child whose feelings and thoughts are out to lunchies. You will feel ineffective and your child will feel invalidated–not the ideal set of circumstances after having lived a run-in with panic. If you are unsure, ask your young one what they need.
Use grounding exercises. Hyperfocusing on panic symptoms will prologue the episode. Hyperfocusing on the present, however, will help send signals to your child’s brain that they are safe. Here are some grounding tools I use in my practice that you can do at home:
5-4-3-2-1 GROUNDING: Have your child name 5 things they can see, 4 things they can feel somatically, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste.
RAINBOW GROUNDING: In true ROYGBIV style, have your child name several items in the room that are red, orange, yellow, etc. I have found that allowing a child or teen to name all of the things they can see that are a given color can really help to engage their thinking brain, and makes the exercise a little more fun.
Encourage expressive avenues. Developing emotional outlets can help children and teens be more aware of the experiences that precipitate panic. Processing feelings in an expressive way promotes insight that can either thwart panic attacks before they occur or lend awareness to an otherwise mysterious experience. Examples of expressive outlets include journaling, making art, or listening to music and dance. Insider’s tip: Kids can be opposed to journaling when they think it has to be done in a “Dear Diary” fashion. The method of journaling is always up to the journaler. Your child or teen can be as creative as they choose when journaling about their emotional experiences. I have had client’s use their journals to track their moods, invent song lyrics or write a letter to an intended recipient that they would like to keep private. Encourage your youngster to use a trial-and-error method when using their journal–and when all else fails, defer to Pinterest for bullet journal ideas!
Do not forget that parental self-care is non-negotiable. Helping your child or teen manage panic can be triggering for parents on several different levels. Biologically, we are meant to care for our young and protect them from danger and harm. Your child’s amygdala setting off a false alarm may very well cause your amygdala to do the same. Make sure you are caring for yourself and taking space when needed. Self-care doesn't have to be a trip to the spa or a weekend away. Self-care is best when done daily and in small increments. Phone a friend to vent, have your favorite cup of tea or take a walk outside. By taking care of yourself you are showing you are role-modeling resilience for your young one.
Seek professional help. Although parents can help their young ones learn deep breathing or grounding exercises, they do not have the necessary clinical skills to promote long-term healing. Effective management of panic requires therapeutic intervention. You would never wait to seek professional help for a chronic health condition, so please do not sponsor a double standard when it comes to mental health. Mental health IS health, PERIODT.
Panic is a sheisty trickster. It convinces us danger is near, gets our bodies and minds revved, motivates us to act on our biological stress responses and then says, “Just kidding!” We intrinsically know how to respond to true alarms, but are not born with the knowledge of how to handle false alarms. Embrace the unknown by reading a book, consulting with a professional, or watching a documentary. I am always learning myself, everyday, but I am most amazed by what my own anxiety has taught me.
