Discipline: How to Teach Our Kids without Degrading Them
From the moment of birth, parents are privy to a plethora of information about their child’s physical health. They gain this conventional wisdom from their children’s pediatricians, naturopaths or homeopaths, and even when the information their child’s doctor shares contradicts what they may have been told by their elders, parents generally understand that their doctor knows best and they should follow the expert’s advice as opposed to the folly their parents once reinforced.
This paradigm, in which adults are open to altering past narratives in an effort to assimilate accurate information into present-day practices, turns on its head when it comes to discipline. Most parents have been raised to believe that a child acting out is a disrespectful brat who must be punished to learn from their poor choices. Parents are not taught about the brain-body connection, the biological purpose of fight, flight and freeze responses, or the behavioral tasks their children need to complete at each developmental stage in order to move onto the next, Spoiler alert: these steps look a LOT like misbehavior. This lack of knowledge leads to punitive parenting practices that demean a child’s worth and shame them for having big feelings. Kids end up being punished for completing the developmental tasks their brains are biologically hardwired to do, and parents unknowingly feed into messages of invalidation and humiliation for experiences that are universal, normal and biologically fruitful, such as testing boundaries, finding one’s voice and asking questions.
In order to discipline children effectively, parents must separate from the toxic messages of their past. The world does not need another generation of humans believing they are “bad” when they are really feeling angry, nervous or scared. It is ultimately the job of parents to teach their children how to identify and manage strong emotions, and this learning happens through meaningful conversations, role-modeling and heartfelt apologies, all of which must be spearheaded by parents and have to do with connection, not authority.
Read on for tips explaining how to effectively discipline children, while teaching them fundamental lessons in the process!
Parenting is NOT a one-size-fits-all endeavor. The way you parent is going to be different depending upon the temperament and felt needs of the child immediately in front of you. That doesn’t mean you cannot love your children equally or have certain rules that apply to everyone, but it does mean that you have to tailor your approach to meet your child’s needs. Although some needs are collectivistic, felt needs are typically individualistic. An example of a felt need would be a child who needs physical touch to feel connected or a youngster who needs privacy when being addressed so that they can process the information they are being told instead of managing feelings of embarrassment. Recognizing that needs vary across individuals is a critical component to effective parenting. You have to parent the kid in front of you instead of the kid you were.
How you were parented is likely obsolete and ineffective in the context of today’s society. If you are older than 30 and reading this article, you are likely part of a “suck it up” generation. Feelings of discomfort were internalized because they did not fit your parents’ agenda, and you learned quickly that having a feeling that was incongruent with your parent’s desires meant time in your room alone, a spanking or a slap upside the head. Children are being taught in schools what we NOW know to be true based upon research, data and facts, and the underlying message being imparted is that all feelings are OK to have. Shaming our children simply does not work because everyone learns the toxic message that emotional discomfort is bad and cannot be tolerated, as opposed to an experience from which we can learn and grow.
The word discipline is derived from the “disciple” which means “teacher.” As such, the purpose of discipline is to teach, not demean, belittle or shame. Effective teaching requires a flexible attitude, a trial-and-error approach and willingness to shift the nature of pre-planned consequences, should they not move the needle in the intended direction. If a behavior you are engaging in does not seem to be working, you have to take a step back, assess the efficacy of your actions and pick again. For example, if taking away your child’s phone worked the first time, but not the sequential 10 times after, this consequence is probably not a good way to teach your child the lesson you are trying to drive home. Adhering to an approach of ineffective rigidity is maddening for all parties involved.
Logical consequences are best. A logical consequence is just as it sounds: a consequence that fits the offense as opposed to the intensity of the feelings of the offended (i.e. the parent). If your child has an emotional episode and throws a vase in the process, have them clean up the mess that resulted from their impulsivity or earn money to replace the object they broke. If your child has clandestinely been using their phone at night, have them charge their phone in another room in the house during nighttime hours. Vindication and effective discipline are essentially opposites, despite popular opinion.
Learning does not take place in the midst of a crisis: it happens after, for both children and parents alike. There is a significant difference between a child wilfully engaging in an offensive behavior and a child engaging in a behavior because their amygdala has hijacked their logical thinking. Parents need to recognize this wrinkle in behavior so that they can hold off on issuing consequences during moments that their child’s logical thinking is offline. All of this may sound complex but it really isn’t. Ask yourself this question: Is my child calm and able to engage in a logical conversation? If the answer is ‘yes,’ then have a discussion about consequences that is reciprocal, not one-sided. This does not mean you waver from your decisions; rather, it means you explain your choices to your youngster in a way they can understand. If the answer is ‘no,’ connect with your child to help them emotionally regulate and then have a discussion about consequences after. These questions apply to adults as well: If you are not in a rational place, you should not be dictating consequences. This is how kids end up without their phones for 3 months, and this is NOT a fun consequence to monitor, nor is it typically an effective one.
Involve your kids in the problem-solving process. Most parents are opposed to the idea of allowing kids to pick their consequences. They worry that their child, tween or teen will pick the least stress-provoking option, resulting in a chaotic environment for the entire family in which the children run the show and adults are at their mercy. I have found that adults do not often give kids enough credit. When approached in a thoughtful and open manner, most kids rise to the occasion and are able to make decisions that are sound, rational and balanced. While some parenting decisions must be made in the absence of child feedback, choices that directly affect children should be formed with their input in mind. This can look a few different ways when it comes to discipline: Parents can brainstorm consequences with children and allow them to pick the option that both parties agree upon; parents can ask their kids to think of consequences that would help them acquire the necessary skill that led to the problematic choice; or, parents can offer options that are previously decided upon and allow their children to choose. In order for kids to be flexible, parents have to be flexible as well.
The way you discipline is going to change as your child morphs into a tween and teen. Many parents enter my practice perplexed as to why a consequence that worked for years became obsolete once their children entered middle school. This is because tweens and teens are turning into independent thinkers who need a sense of autonomy, control and understanding to meet their developmental needs. As such, consequences that do not incorporate these aforementioned elements are likely to be ineffective and result in anger, fighting and contention instead of change.
Most importantly, effective discipline cannot happen in the absence of connection. Refrain from shouting consequences at your child, discussing problematic situations without eye contact and having conversations during moments of emotional dysregulation. Use times of misbehavior as teachable moments instead of opportunities to showcase your authority.
In the words of Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” If you feel like you are spinning your wheels when it comes to disciplining your children, you probably are. Connect with other parents in an effort to normalize and validate your emotions, seek knowledge through books and digital resources and, when all else fails, go back to the start and try again. We can learn from our mistakes in all facets of our lives–especially parenting.
Here is a list of resources you may want to consider:
Books
Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and and Jim Fay
No Drama Discipline by Tina Payne Bryson, PhD and Dan Siegel, MD
The Soul of Discipline by Kim John Payne, M.Ed.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham
The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel, MD
YouTube Videos
Video explaining why we lose control of our emotions
Instagram Accounts/Digital Resources
@responsive_parenting
@selfsufficientkids
@attachmentnerd
