Mid-semester Stress: How to Help Your Youngster Identify Stressors and Cope with Change
Most of us like to believe that the school year functions in the same way that a trip to the gym does: half of the battle is getting there; once you’re there it’s not so bad and you will feel better once it’s over. While parts of this narrative are true, most children, parents and educators find the school year functions more like a marathon for which no child adequately trains. You have to show up; it’s going to be hard; you are going to feel like quitting, but you have to find a way to trudge on and persevere while taking breaks along the way as needed to refuel and strengthen your muscles. Hard work, to say the least!
We all breathe a sigh of relief once that first day is over and like to think, “My kid made it through the day. The rest of the year should follow suit.” Regardless of whether we believe this sentiment or not, parents and educators embrace wishful thinking and a day-by-day mentality to make it to the next. While this can be a helpful mindset to adopt at times, it does not take into consideration how difficult the year will actually be, and this can create a skewed sense of hope for many kids and parents. There is a large difference between anticipatory anxiety (not helpful) and proactive planning (helpful), and I find the “It’s almost Friday” mentality does not allow for the latter. This is the part of the school year that I find characterizes the first “hill” of the school year: midterms. Kids are tired, the season is shifting from summertime fun to darkening skies before dinnertime and the reality sets in for most kids that things are not likely to get easier from here.
If you find your young one is having some increased anxiety or decreased motivation in the face of midterms and increased academic demands, read on to learn ways to help both you and your young ones manage inflating anxiety levels.
Validate your youngster’s challenges. School quickly goes from a do-your-best mentality to a grades-count turn of mind, and most adolescents have a difficult time juggling school expectations, extracurricular activities, social challenges and developmental tasks. Show your youngster that you appreciate what they are going through, even if you don’t fully understand, by validating their feelings and demonstrating compassion. Validation and connection go hand in hand.
Decrease expectations at home, if possible. If you know that your tween or teen has an upcoming test, a big game or a project due, try and lessen their number of at-home to-dos by modifying their chore load or offering to do some tasks for them. Shifting ancillary responsibilities on a short-term basis is a proactive measure that is easy to implement and can have profound effects.
Identify anxiety when it shows up. Anger is an emotion that serves as a disguise for so many of us, including anxiety, sadness and grief, to name a few. Anger can also be an incredibly comforting emotion and one of the only undesirable emotions that does not connote vulnerability, which makes it “safe” to feel. Do not take your child’s emotions at face value, especially when it comes to anger. Delve beneath the surface to identify the feelings that are lying underneath in an effort to help your youngster accurately identify their feelings and get to the root cause.
Make time for fun. Let’s face it: there is rarely enough time for fun. Just like most things that matter, you have to plan for it. Fun is the antidote to stress and an effective way to release negative energy and get serotonin levels surging. Schedule time for your youngster to have fun on a regularly occurring basis as part of their proactive mental health regime.
Make an appointment to talk with your child’s team of educators if you sense something is wrong. Parents can request a team meeting at any time they desire. If you suspect that your youngster is struggling academically or having difficulty meeting educational demands, you can request to meet with their team of teachers. Schools often do not see problems until they exist because they do not play witness to the emotional unraveling that precedes their existence. Meeting and collaborating with teachers helps parents to better understand both ends of the educational spectrum.
Practice self-care. Talk with your youngster about what self-care is, why it is important and what it looks like. We live in a society in which the workaholic is celebrated and, as a result, high functioning anxiety is validated and honored in discrete, toxic and sneaky ways. The best way to counteract an unhelpful societal narrative is to lead by individual example. If your youngster is struggling with implementing their own self-care practices, show them the way by engaging in your own. Self-care is not selfish; it is salient for survival and prevents emotional burnout.
Stay calm. When talking with your tween or teen about stress, make sure that your demeanor is calm and approachable, even if you are rip-roaring mad about the F they got on their math assignment. If your child senses that your stress levels match their own or, worse yet, thinks you are angry, they will be likely to focus on your feelings, which will consequently shut down their own.
Reward your youngster for hard work. Many parents feel afraid to reward their children for meeting goals that are part of everyday living for fear that they will create unrealistic expectations that are unsustainable without realizing that adults reward themselves everyday in the form of gourmet coffees, end-of-the-day cocktails and spontaneous purchases. A small treat may be just what your child needs to feel rewarded for successes and motivated to continue their hard work.
Practice experience-sharing. Kids tend to share less as they get older, and parents find this maddening, as they feel increasingly out of the loop of awareness during the years that it matters most. If you find that your young one is tight-lipped when it comes to divulging their stress levels, try sharing about your own in a developmentally appropriate way. It’s only fair, after all, that if you want your child to be vulnerable enough to open up, you should, too.
Read between the lines. By this point in the school year, your child has probably asked for a mental health day or tried to fake a sickness to miss a day of school. Instead of blindly agreeing or getting angry at your young one for wanting to play hookey, take a step back to see the bigger picture: your child is crying out for help. Talk with your child about why they want to stay home from school, identify stressors and problem-solve ways they can cope with their stress levels in the long term.
Most adults cannot conceptualize the stress their tweens or teens face on a daily basis, and this is understandable: the world is a different place. AP classes are now an expected part of coursework, kids are bombarded by images that swarm their newsfeed and DMs, giving them little respite from external stressors, and our youth just lived through a pandemic that penetrated the architecture of their existence, all while they struggled to complete biological developmental tasks that will set the stage for future frames of reference. Whoa, that’s a lot! While we may never understand the reality of our teens’ emotional experiences, we can still validate what we see by offering a hug, lessening their chore load or having a much needed and long awaited laugh. Being supported, heard and understood are felt needs, and without these being met, higher level needs such as superior grade acquisition are unattainable.
