Finding Motivation: How to Help Your Kids Unearth What’s Beneath
Motivation can be an exhausting concept: You need it to accomplish tasks, and certain tasks lack the luster needed to motivate in the first place! This is a conundrum most of us have a hard time navigating. Despite all humans having goals that motivate us, it is usually the end result to which we are most connected, which makes the intermediary steps challenging, at best.
Motivation looks different in children than it does in adults. Because motivation is a universal concept, we may think that it works the same for each of us, regardless of age. This is a myth, and the more we expect children to find and sustain motivation in the same way we do as adults, the more frustrated we are likely to feel.
We need to use their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is responsible for planning, organization and thoughtful behavior execution, to get through the not-so-desirable steps that are requisite in the acquisition of long-term goals. Children and adolescents have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex based upon comparisons with the adult brain. Although this part of the brain will eventually develop in its entirety, this does not take place until the age of 25. Due to this biological delay, children and adolescents have greater difficulty following through with achievement of long-term goals because they do not appreciate the role discomfort plays in goal attainment, and they cannot always tolerate it: something for which our prefrontal cortex is needed. Children and adolescents are geared toward gratification from a biological and developmental perspective, not because they are impatient as a whole, contrary to popular opinion.
Given the impact a developing prefrontal cortex has on the initiation and sustainment of motivation, parents have their work cut out for them. Parents have to both help their young ones find motivation to set long-term goals while simultaneously offering support when their vigor wanes. If you are feeling stuck in helping your youngster find, maintain or channel motivation, read on for some ideas that may resonate.
Motivation is developmental and changes with age. Children and teens are likely to have both universal sources of motivation (achievement, success and connection) as well as developmental sources of motivation (being with their peers, having fun and feeling independent). Parents tend to worry about the latter, fearing that misaligned priorities reflect a character flaw as opposed to a developing brain. Adults have to remember that kids are kids, not miniature adults. What motivates your youngster now is likely to fade as they progress through their development. Be careful not to chastise your youngster for parts of their development that are beyond their control, and actually quite normal.
Unmet basic needs are motivating. According to Dr. William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, all humans have five psychological needs: (1) survival, (2) love and belonging, (3) power, (4) freedom and (5) fun. When these needs are not met, children attempt to fulfill them on their own. This looks a lot like intrinsic motivation when it really is survival. Parents can help reveal disguised sources of motivation by reading between the lines and helping their children meet unfulfilled psychological needs. If your child appears to be looking for power, put them in charge of deciding what is for dinner. If your child appears to be looking for fun, allow them to go see the movie they have been begging to see with their friends. Once basic needs are met, higher level sources of motivation are more easily discoverable.
Extrinsic motivation can be contrived. You ask your child to help set the table before dinner and they refuse. You worry that you have been unsuccessful in your duties as parent because your child will not comply with a simple request. Sound familiar? We all need external sources of motivation that help us get through mundane and tedious tasks. Adults may be motivated to set the table because they cooked the dinner and want their family to be able to enjoy it, but kids are not likely to find the organic value behind this chore. You are not spoiling your young one if you tell them they can have an allowance or an extra snack if they are able to honor the expectations you set forth; you are teaching them the value of extrinsic motivation, which may be needed until the desired behavior becomes a habit, in which case the external motivator will no longer be needed. Disclaimer: I am not recommending that parents reward kids for everything, just the tasks that are particularly challenging for them to complete.
Offer choices. All parents face an age-old dilemma in which they want their children to complete a certain task and their children refuse, either by way of procrastination (“I’ll do it in a second!”) or defiance (“No!”). Once this line in the sand is drawn, parents face a second kerfuffle: Do they make their child, tween or teen comply, or do they back off and complete the task themselves? There is a third option that most parents neglect to consider, and that is offering choices: “I’d like you to set the dinner table. You can set it now, or in five minutes. Which is your preference?” By offering choices, parents are helping their young ones feel in control of a situation in which they feel powerless. It is a backdoor approach to garnering compliance, and an important trick for all parents to have in their back pocket. Offering choices is a great way to avoid power struggles that no one wins, not even the person who appears to come out on top.
Meet your kids where they are at, not where you want them to be. Parents often have a designated lot in life in which they want their children to reside, and most parents come to find that kids have a mind and plan of their own – which they should, despite how maddening this can feel on the parental end. It is important for parents to be keenly aware of their personal desires for their children, and then cross-compare these hopes with what their children want for themselves. You may want your child to participate in sports, but they may not be motivated to do so. If your goal is that your child has exposure to an environment in which teamwork is paramount, ask them what activities they would like to participate in that involve collaborative decision-making. Your youngster’s response may not be what you want to hear but, on the flip side, forcing your child, tween or teen to engage in an activity in which they have little to no interest could result in an underdeveloped and injured sense of self, which can affect them for months or years after the sports season comes to a close. Losing a battle is a small price to pay for a solid self-identity.
Help your child find their passion, even if you don’t agree with it. Feeling passionate about something leads to motivation, and there is no right or wrong way to feel this emotion. Passion is a visceral experience, and if you’ve had the pleasure of seeing your young one connect with an activity on this deep and sacred level, you know it. Helping your children find and pursue their passion is one of the most effective ways to connect with them, and if they suspect you are cynical, disapproving or judgmental of the activity in which they find profuse pleasure, they will be likely to close the door, either on you or, worse yet, on an activity in which they found a sense of purpose. Find a way to honor the activities your child feels passionate about, even if you do not personally value them yourself. By doing so, you are helping to strengthen your young one’s inner voice and also teaching them how to cultivate intrinsic motivation, a guiding force in the pursuit of success, which despite popular opinion, is subjective and up to the individual.