Back-to-School Anxiety: How to Notice the Symptoms, Name It, and Help Your Youngsters Cope
As a therapist and parent, I have had many run-ins with back-to-school anxiety, and I cannot say I have always come out on top. Back-to-school anxiety is a tricky contender. It has a month’s worth of anticipation on its side along with memories of the preceding school year that are jaded by our brain’s biological negativity bias. As if this wasn’t bad enough, it shares a juxtaposition with freedom, fun and frivolity that will not resurface for another year. If you’re not feeling anxious on the day before school starts, I’d question the efficacy of your amygdala!
If we are looking at anxiety from a top down perspective, observable behavioral symptoms that accompany back-to-school anxiety may look like avoidance, a desire to control tangible items such as notebook size and backpack style, and a diminished frustration tolerance for daily happenings. Although anxiety can be pretty easy to spot on the surface, the underlying thoughts triggering this emotion can be more challenging to detect, especially for younger children who have difficulty identifying their thoughts. Children and teens can feel nervous about the grade they are entering, the lack of familiar peers in their classes (or lack thereof), and the information they have gleaned about the teachers in their schedule along the way. It is important that parents respond to their youngsters’ anxiety on both an observable AND cognitive level so that the entirety of their experience can be acknowledged, as opposed to fragmented pieces of it.
Keep reading to learn strategies that can help dissipate the strength of your child or teen’s observable symptoms while acknowledging the feelings and thoughts they may not be outwardly sharing or expressing.
Know your child or teen’s anxiogenic profile. We all experience anxiety differently. Some of us avoid a dreaded task while others voraciously tackle perceived expectations in an impulsive manner, and a good portion of the population find themselves in an immobilized state of freeze, unable to determine their next move. It is important to know how your youngster’s anxiety shows up so that you can identify it at the onset and address the symptoms before they become unmanageable.
Don’t be fooled by high-functioning anxiety. Children and teens with high-functioning anxiety look productive, driven, and motivated. As such, they are often praised for superior organizational skills, academic rigor, and uncanny stamina and endurance, which ultimately reinforces maladaptive ways of coping and perpetuates unhelpful patterns of behavior. The reality of their internal experience, however, is quite different from how it looks on the surface. Kids with high-functioning anxiety silently cope with overwhelming symptoms by overcompensating for perceived shortcomings, and they are likely to keep this all a secret so that they don’t “blow their cover.” Name your young one’s anxiety for them, regardless of the disguise it might be donning.
Talk about the upcoming school year, but be careful not to hyperfocus on the future. Reviewing the staples your children may need to know is helpful in preparing for the anticipated changes and expectations that a new school year encompasses. There is a fine line, however, between helpful preparation and time travel, and these lines become blurred when our own anxiety as parents comes into play. Set healthy boundaries around back-to-school discussions in an effort to put parameters around your and your young one’s anxiety. When in doubt, keep the focus on the present. Anxiety hates it there!
Name your own feelings. Chances are, your youngster has noticed that you are more stressed than usual as you furiously dart from store to store in an effort to acquire all of the necessary materials in time for the start of the new school year. Acknowledging the feelings you are experiencing, even if they are unpleasant, is a great way to role model emotional honesty. Children will do as you do, not as you say. Experience sharing teaches young ones that you are walking the walk with them, and sometimes a walking partner is just what kids need to take a leap of faith into the world of emotions.
Don’t underestimate the power of self-care. You cannot pour from a cup that is empty, and neither can your child. Talk with your young ones about self-care and explore what it may look like for them. Taking an extra long shower, eating healthy, and going to bed early are some options, just to name a few. Self-care is an important component of proactive management of anxiety and despite common belief, it is a necessity, not a luxury. If you are unsure where to start, begin with a “self-care share” at dinnertime in which each family member talks about one thing they did for themselves that day. You can make this activity as fun or serious as you like, depending on your family dynamics. I tend to choose fun, when the option is given.
Check in with your teens. Most of us associate back-to-school anxiety with young children because their symptoms can be more overt. This is because children have less refined impulse-control skills, and when they are feeling something their caregivers are likely to know. Teenagers have back-to-school anxiety too–they just have more clandestine ways of coping based upon years of experience. Be sure to talk with your adolescent about their feelings, even if they are not showing outward signs of distress or using humor to deflect their emotional discomfort. Remember, anxiety does not like being exposed, and it will go to great lengths to remain in the dark.
Take time to understand your youngster’s feelings, rather than judging them. When our children and teens are experiencing strong feelings, their thinking brains shut down and they are left in the company of irrational emotions that care little about logic or reasoning. Meet your child’s needs during emotional episodes by taking a step back to connect with them emotionally. This may look like a hug, an acknowledgement of the feelings they are experiencing or giving them physical space. This does not look like yelling, judging or coercing. Calm your nervous system first, then respond to your youngster’s, and once everyone is regulated try to figure out the best way to move forward.
Remember that everything will fall into place. Ending a summer that was likely characterized by much needed unstructured time, diminished expectations and spontaneous bouts of fun is a difficult reality for most of us to digest. Regardless of how challenging the upcoming year may appear, it will work itself out, one way or another. You and your youngsters have done difficult things in the past, and this school year will be no exception.
Decades ago, back-to-school anxiety meant the resumption of homework and maybe sports, if you did one. In 2023, back-to-school anxiety equates to a lot more: AP classes, year-round sports, 24-7 social media presence, working lunches and more. Instead of being inconvenienced by your child’s anxiety about the return to school, get curious about it, and ask them to help you understand. You will not only learn something in the process, you will get a good dose of connection, which is just what we all need in the midst of an emotional transition.
