Navigating Emotional Meltdowns
Parenthood involves many unknowns. When will my child be potty trained? When will my youngster go through puberty? When will my child's palette begin to diversify? In the midst of these uncertainties, one thing is for sure: Children have meltdowns, and most of them are not pretty, difficult to navigate and feel embarrassing for the parent in charge.
Although children, tweens and teens appear to be “mini adults'' and capable in many ways, their brains are in the process of intellectually, cognitively and emotionally developing. As adults, we tend to understand this circumstance when preparing them dinner, helping them with their homework, or tucking them into bed at night. This understanding takes a hiatus, however, when our young ones are in emotional turmoil and unable to manage or control their emotions. In such instances, our children’s feelings trigger our own emotional discomfort, and as a result we struggle to simultaneously manage our emotions while helping our children navigate theirs.
If you have a child, tween, or teen who is experiencing overwhelming feelings, read on to learn ways to respond to their emotions while maintaining your composure, dignity and relationship.
Use neutral and emotionally validating language. Children and teenagers do not like to be told how they feel, nor is this a helpful practice in the pursuit of emotional intelligence. Kids have to learn how to identify their own emotional states without being told by adults in punitive ways how they are feeling and why these emotions are problematic. When approaching your child about an emotional hunch you are having, try using language that is observational, validating and open-ended. An example of this type of dialogue might sound like, “I’ve noticed you have been in your room a lot lately and I am wondering if you are feeling sad,” as opposed to, “You must be depressed. Just look at all of the time you have been spending by yourself!”
Pay attention to what works, and what doesn’t, when addressing your child’s emotional needs. Be mindful of the ways in which you respond to your child’s feelings and keep track of the types of responses that seem to help, as well as those that seem to exacerbate already heightened emotions. One idea that can help track responsive efficacy is a journal documenting how parents respond to their children’s emotional episodes and the related outcomes. For example, if your child goes into orbit every time you yell at him/her, yelling may not be an effective or helpful intervention. Don’t drive yourself crazy by repeating unhelpful patterns. Sometimes the wheel has to be recreated.
Keep your own feelings in check. Children are the reason we keep it together, and the reason we lose it. Regardless of how justified an adult’s upset feelings might be, there are only a few takeaways that children glean from situations in which they are yelled at or blamed for having strong emotions, and none of these conclusions are healthy. Give yourself a break when needed and practice setting healthy boundaries by walking away, telling your child you will talk with him/her when you are more calm, or taking space.
Remember, your child is still learning about his/her feelings. We wouldn’t expect that a child would be able to solve a math problem without adequate instruction, so why would we assume that this same child automatically knows how to manage overwhelming emotions without the proper knowledge or skill set to do so? Emotional learning is a process that extends far beyond childhood and adolescence. Use emotional outbursts as teachable moments instead of turning them into shameful memories.
Process highly charged emotional events after they happen. Most of us do not want to circle back to upsetting or embarrassing events after their occurrence, and understandably so. We had to involuntarily endure it the first time, and we don’t want to have to voluntarily relive it for a second round. The problem with this mentality, however, is that without processing what went wrong and how hurtful actions affected others, new learning cannot take place. Family meetings can be helpful in keeping your child accountable for his/her behavior while giving family members, who usually don’t have a voice during these episodes, a chance to share. Here are some questions that can be explored during a family meeting:
What happened? (Allow each family member the opportunity to share their unique perspective.)
How did your actions affect others?
What could have been done differently to prevent ________ from happening?
Be aware of toxic messages that may be fueling your emotions. “My parents never would have put up with this.” “Children are meant to be seen, not heard.” “I would have gotten a whipping if I had done that!” Sound familiar? We all have the way we were raised, and the way we want to raise our children. If you have unfond memories from your childhood of yelling parents, painful spankings and pointless punishments, chances are your child will have similar takeaways if you repeat these patterns. The next time you have a strong emotional reaction to a behavior your child is exhibiting, pay attention to what your internal critic is saying and know that you have the behavioral autonomy to make your own choices. Do not allow your thoughts or other people’s opinions to decide how you parent. Keep in mind that it is always easier to raise someone else’s child.
Catch strong feelings at the start. Even though we feel feelings in our bodies, most people learn to gauge their emotions by paying attention to their thoughts. This can be a problematic and backwards practice, however, because by the time thoughts form about emotions, these same feelings have had ample time to grow while going unnoticed and consequently unaddressed. Talk with your child or teen about the bodily sensations they experience when having strong emotions and be aware of observable clues such as clenched fists, shutting down behavior or trembling so that you can point out these warning signs to your young ones in the event they do not catch these feelings themselves. Paying attention to bodily sensations allows for early intervention which is an important part of emotion management.
COVID has had an undeniable impact on our lives that will continue to infiltrate our consciousness, routines and emotions far beyond its end. Children and adolescents have been particularly impacted by this pandemic, as they have had the important job of cognitively, emotionally and biologically developing while responding to change, loss and unpredictability. Pay attention to your youngsters’ needs during this time, knowing that while you cannot make everything better, you can meet them where they are by providing the love, security and emotional safety they are not able to attain from the outside world at the current time.