Helping Children Cope with Bedtime Anxiety
As a new parent, I remember believing that if I could get my children to sleep through the night, bedtime would be smooth sailing from that point forward. Boy, was I wrong! I soon learned that nighttime has the ability to bring about a number of challenges for young children, including unexpected bedwetting, night terrors, and anxiety about the dark. I have found that most children experience some type of impediment that gets in their, and their parents’ way, of a good night’s sleep. Developmentally, fears about bedtime fit into the grand scheme: It is a time of quietness and solitude, which is rich soil for the budding of anxieties. Parents often find themselves perplexed in helping their little ones deal with these fears, and then later frustrated when their attempts prove futile. If this sounds familiar, read on for advice on how to help manage your child’s fears about bedtime.
Validate, empathize and empower, but don’t enable. It is important to let your little one know that his/her feelings are valid, and that you have felt the same way, at one time or another. Emphasize that although worries can be scary, they are rarely true, and even if they were to be true, there are many ways to cope with anxieties that do not include avoiding the fear.
Make a coping tool bin. Brainstorm coping tools your child would like to have nearby, such as a beloved stuffed animal, a stress ball for squeezing or a scented pillow. Gather these items using a bin or box and place them by your child’s bed for him/her to access independently, prior to calling out to you for assistance. This practice will help to generate feelings of empowerment and assist in the development of self-soothing techniques.
Try to keep your little one in his/her own bed. Most children will request to sleep in their parents’ bed, or vice versa, when difficulty in sleep arises. While sleeping in mom and/or dad’s bed can be a quick short-term solution, it does not bode well for overall, long-term, healthy coping, and typically makes the problem worse. Feelings will be the same, if not amplified, the following night, and the only lesson children learn from sleeping in a different bed is that fears are to be avoided. Help your child to find solutions that will teach him/her ways to manage anxiety, as opposed to avoiding it.
Practice being in the dark. Don’t wait until bedtime for your child to be alone in the dark. Practice being in the dark together, or apart, throughout the day. One fun way to do this is by putting glow-in-the-dark items around the room and asking your child to find them. By making darkness a part of your child’s everyday life and showing him/her that being in the dark can be fun, you will help to normalize the experience of being in the dark and you will show your little one, by example, that the dark is safe.
Offer to go back and check in on your youngster throughout the night. Some children just need the reassurance that their parent is present during the nighttime. Set a timer and tell your child you will check in on him/her every 5 minutes. Once this level is achieved, go up to 10 minutes, then 20, then 30, and so on and so forth. This is a great method for offering reassurance, while encouraging independence.
Be sure to end the night with good thoughts. Read a fun bedtime book with your little one and ask him/her to imagine the ending once the lights are out. Have your youngster brainstorm things they are looking forward to throughout the week. Come up with self-affirming statements your child can repeat to him/herself, such as “I am strong,” “I can manage my worries,” and/or “I will learn from my emotions.” Find a way to incorporate positive thinking into your child’s bedtime routine in an effort to end the night with a smile (and some hugs, too, of course!).
Pull out the worry dolls! Of all the tools I have in helping children cope with their anxieties, worry dolls are among my favorites. Give your child 4-5 worry dolls to keep. Ask him/her to share identified worries with these dolls, aloud or silently, before bedtime, and explain to your little one that the worry dolls will do the worrying for him/her so that a good night’s sleep can be had. Most children put the dolls underneath their pillows, but some chose to hold them throughout the night. If your child wants the worries back in the morning, he/she can take them back. If worries resurface the night after, your youngster can use the worry doll in the same way. This is an amazing tool for externalizing fears and practicing verbal sharing.
Teach your little one about the different parts of the brain - “fact” brain, “worry” brain, and “full” brain. Children can feel as if they are one in the same with their worry, and they may not know ways to individuate from their fears. One easy way to help children understand and externalize their worries is by helping them learn about the different parts of their brain. The “fact brain” is the part of our brain that holds all indisputable knowledge about the world. The “worry brain” is the part of our brain exaggerates fears and makes us believe that bad things are going to happen, even when they’re really not. The “worry” brain ignores facts and thrives on feelings alone. During times of anxiety, ask your child what their “worry” brain is telling them. Then, ask your child what the “fact” brain has to say about these thoughts by doing a “fact check.” Encourage your child to create thoughts that are part of a “full” mind: one that incorporates both feelings AND facts, as opposed to just one or the other.
It is important to acknowledge that anxiety management is not a one-size-fits-all fix. All children are different, as are the ways in which worries present. Try the above-mentioned tools and be open to revisiting them again, should they prove ineffective the first time around.