Teaching Children About Consent
A Conversation That’s So Much More Than Sex
Discussions about consent have been happening more frequently. We hear them on the news, read about them on social media, and may even overhear friends discussing this topic during social gatherings. The one place this topic is unlikely to be overheard is in a home with young children. Ironically, home is the optimal place this discussion needs to begin.
Some parents choose not to talk with their children with this topic because they fear that the next logical discussion will have to do with sexual relations, without realizing that consent applies to a wide variety of circumstances that have little or nothing to do with sex. By allowing personal discomfort to interfere with meaningful and necessary conversations, we are setting our children up for vulnerability and limiting their sources of information about this topic to the outside world.
If you are among the many who are unsure of how to teach children about consent, below are some ideas you can use in broaching this topic.
• Begin by having a candid conversation about what “consent” actually means. Children have the capacity and experience to understand what consent means from a very young age. In its broadest sense, this term means permission. When we are talking about consent in the context of interpersonal relationships, however, the definition needs to expand to encompass physical and emotional boundaries. Start the conversation about consent by asking your little one to share what s/he thinks this word means. If your child is unsure, you can offer a developmentally appropriate definition such as “giving another person permission to treat you in a certain way” or “feeling comfortable with the way another person is touching you.” As part of this discussion, be sure to talk about verbal and nonverbal ways of giving consent, and don’t be afraid to ask your child some difficult questions such as, “Has anyone ever touched you in a way that has made you feel uncomfortable?”; “How can you tell others you do not like the way they are treating you?”; and “How can you tell that another person is feeling uncomfortable?” I find that the answers to these questions can be the building blocks for meaningful conversations about privacy, boundaries and ways to effective emotional communication. Don’t be afraid to follow the direction the conversation naturally turns.
• Explain to your child why consent matters. During this conversation you may want to pay a visit to the future by acknowledging that one day your child is likely to be in a committed romantic relationship with another person. Romantic relationships are reciprocal, and both people need to feel comfortable when making decisions about the way they treat or touch one another. If this feels too far out of your comfort zone, you can talk about relationships in general, without discussing romantic involvement. Either way, consent is a critical part of all healthy relationships, and your child needs to know this. Examples of consent in younger relationships include asking a friend over for a sleepover, deciding what to play at recess and borrowing an item from a sibling or friend. Once children understand what consent means, they will realize that it is all around them. Consent, as it turns out, is a pretty common thing, despite its preceding connotation.
• Talk about what consent looks like. There are two types of consent: verbal and nonverbal, and the latter does not mean less than the former, as they are both communicating the same boundary. Children should be aware of ways others communicate emotions. While verbal communication is ideal, people do not always communicate with words, especially during times of compromised emotional or physical safety. If your little one suspects another person is feeling a certain emotion, but s/he is not entirely sure, this is a great opportunity to ask questions based upon observation of body language and tone of voice. Here are some effective ways to express emotional curiosity: “It looks like you’re feeling sad. Is everything alright?”; “You became quiet and looked down when we decided on the game we’d play. Are you okay with this decision?”; and “You’re clenching your fists. Are you mad?” There is no way to overstress compassion, empathy or emotional understanding with young children. The worst circumstance that could come of this teaching practice is that your child may develop a high emotional intelligence...a lovely imbalance to have!
• Boundaries...what are they? Boundary is another word adults do not often think to talk to children about, operating with the premise in mind that youngsters may not understand. I have found the opposite to be true, however. Children not only “get” boundaries, they think adherence to boundaries important as well. At the same time, most children do not know how to tell others to respect their personal, physical and emotional boundaries, which creates opportunities for rich learning to take place. Start at the beginning: What is a boundary? Discuss physical boundaries, and boundaries that cannot tangibly be measured, such as personal space, and emotional and mental boundaries. Once these ideas have been established, talk with your children about how they can tell another person is feeling uncomfortable, and what they can do if someone causes them to feel uncomfortable. I like to teach children ways to use assertive language to express their feelings when boundaries are violated. One example of this is an “I Message”: “I feel _____ when you _____ because _____. Please _____.” You can role-play using assertive language to make this learning more personalized, focusing on using a firm tone of voice and direct eye contact. Likewise, you should talk about the impact a violated boundary can have on others and ways to repair a relationship, if possible, when a boundary is crossed. By talking about personal and external boundaries, you are helping your child learn ways to set limits and adhere to the limits set by others. I cannot think of more important work than this.
• Use proper terms when discussing body parts. In discussing consent with specific regard to body parts, be aware of the terms you use to discuss genitalia. By using “nicknames” you are expressing to your child that private parts are connected with shame and should not be discussed in a candid, open manner. No, you never said this in a complete sentence, but children pick up on adult behavior like sponges and are savvy enough to understand when a topic is acceptable to discuss, and when a topic is best kept to oneself. The only other words we try not to repeat directly are cuss words. Make the connection.
• Never force your child to show physical affection for another. Many of us grew up thinking that the end-of-the-night hug to grandma or grandpa after a visit was a mandatory ritual without contemplating the implicit message behind this requisite display of affection. Embedded somewhere in the forced hug is this: “You should show affection with your body, even if you do not want to.” While showing affection is important, there are many ways to accomplish this goal. If your little one does not want to give a certain family member a hug, there is probably a good reason behind this sentiment. Truthfully, even if the given reason is not sufficient to the parent, it should still be respected. Brainstorm alternative ways to show affection to a family member or friend. High fives can be added to the list, as well as the use of caring words, a fun handshake and/or a written note of appreciation. By respecting your children’s feelings about physical touch, you are teaching them them that their voice matters, ensuring that they will be comfortable using their voice when it matters most.
Adults often have blinders on that are shaped by their own childhood experiences. believing that certain topics are off-limits if they were not discussed in their own youth. Just because your parents did not talk with you about consent, it does not mean this is a valid excuse to dodge this topic with your own children. Times are changing, as they always have, and we have to keep up as parents, educators and adults. While much of our children’s development is unpredictable, one thing is certain: our children are not slowing down anytime soon, so we had adjust our pace!