Misbehavior and Unmet Needs
“Children don’t misbehave, they simply behave to get their needs met.”~ Dr. Thomas Gordon
Misbehavior is a tricky thing to address with children. As adults, sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it wrong, and sometimes we think we got it right, only to learn later on that our approach made the situation worse. When it comes to children, there is the behavior we see and then there is our interpretation of that behavior. When parents see their children misbehaving a little voice may pop up that says, “Your child does not listen to you,” “You are not a good parent,” or “Do something about it!” We then scramble to find a way to control the behavior we are observing, without realizing that by attempting to control this behavior we are likely to feel out of control and also risk damaging the relationship we have with our youngster.
All misbehavior is guided by unmet felt needs and underlying emotions. You cannot address a problem on the surface and expect long-lasting results. You must, instead, bring attention to the unmet need your child is trying so creatively, and unproductively, to meet and help him/her do so in a collaborative way.
Parents are most familiar with the unmet needs of hunger and sleep. We all get a little wonky when those aren’t in check, adults included. What we may not realize, however, is that there are other unmet needs children have, even when all of the “surface” needs appear to be taken care of. Other needs that children may look to meet are:
Stimulation: needing to have fun and feel excitement
Empathy: needing to feel that others understand and care about their feelings
Belonging: needing to feel that they are an important part of their family and are valued
Autonomy: needing to feel that they can make their own choices and are independent
Connection: needing to feel either physically or emotionally connected to those around them
Think about a misbehavior your child is exhibiting and consider the possible unmet needs that are driving this “choice.” For example, a child who acts in clingy ways may not be feeling connected to family members. Giving this child extra time and attention is likely to dissipate his/her need to cling.
Believe it or not, children who behave most or all of the time in across settings are actually more of a reason for concern than children who occasionally or intermittently misbehave. Behavior is communication. If your child is not misbehaving and testing boundaries, he/she is not doing the work that is developmentally necessary for proper emotional development. Children who behave all of the time grow up to be people pleasers and emotional stuffers. This is not what you want for your young one.
Use poor behavioral choices as a way to connect with your children. Know that they are trying to communicate their needs using what is accessible to them at the time. Words are helpful, but not always available in the presence of unmet needs and strong emotionality. This is the case for all of humanity, not just children.