Safety Behaviors and Parental Accommodations: Little Known Sources of Fuel that Power Worry
When I talk with kids and families about “Worry,” some of my favorite metaphors that surface include a con artist, a thief and a self-centered opportunist. A con artist, because anxiety will convince you that your worst fear is coming to fruition, despite lacking or nonexistent evidence. A thief, because it robs us of time and experience by convincing us to over-process obsessive doubts while staying stuck in a cycle of unproductive thoughts. A self-centered opportunist, because the only thing Worry cares about is getting bigger, and it does so at our expense, time and time again.
Worry may be boring and predictable, but, boy, is it clever. One of its most wily moves is convincing us that it will go away if we listen to it, while all the while growing from a distance. This pattern of listening to Worry and allowing it to direct our actions is known as a safety behavior.
A safety behavior is an action, either observable or cognitive, that supports a negative and inaccurate belief. Safety behaviors are usually some form of avoidance, and when we engage in these actions–which Worry whole-heartedly supports–we are telling our Worry that it is correct, and our behaviors serve as proof. Why, otherwise, would we go to such great lengths to avoid something, unless it’s “bad?”
Keep reading to learn more about what you and your child may be doing to grow worries and find ways to stop the vicious cycle that perpetuates anxiety, effectively shrinking Worry.
The Worry Loop
The cycle of Worry is always the same, regardless of specific content:
Step 1: False alarm, activated by amygdala
Step 2: Feelings of nervousness and the readying of the body to either fight or run away from potential danger
Step 3: Engagement in safety behavior, in an effort to make Worry smaller
Step 4: Short-term relief and long-term growth of Worry, which is the indirect effect of the safety behavior
Step 5: Returning to Step 1 and repeating, creating a toxic circuit
Consider this:
Suzie feels worried about giving a presentation in her Social Studies class. She fears she will mess up in front of her peers and they all will judge her. Here is Suzie’s cycle:
Step 1: Suie feels that she will fail and become an object of ridicule via her amygdala.
Step 2: Suzie experiences a surge in feelings of nervousness, including a knot in Suzie’s stomach and an entourage of negative thoughts such as, “I can’t handle this,” “I should just call out sick,” etc.
Step 3: Suzie pretends she is sick and her parents call her out of school.
Step 4: Suzie feels better, but once the sun sets she begins to feel worried all over again, as a new day is soon dawning.
Step 5: Suzie feels stuck because she is back at Step 1.
In the presence of a real danger, a safety behavior would be considered a protective behavior, and this action would, quite literally, save our lives: for example a house fire. Our brains remember our adherence to the alarm set off by the amygdala, and label the trigger as being “dangerous,” for recall at a later date, should the same trigger arise in the future.
In the presence of an imagined danger, which is the crux of Worry, the safety behavior serves a similar function that the protective behavior did in the above example. The only difference is, the danger is imagined (no house fire). By listening to Worry, we set the stage for the future, and make this emotion bigger the next time around as the loop evolves in human time.
Common examples of safety behaviors include:
Excessive reassurance-seeking
Avoiding new situations
Wearing excessive clothing to avoid attention
Re-reading a text message multiple times before sending to make sure it sounds “right”
Frequent checking of heart rate or other bodily sensations
The brain learns through experience, and it also cannot always differentiate between reality and imagination. In the face of Worry, we are either teaching our brain that the alarm it set off is false and we can tolerate the discomfort we are experiencing, or we are teaching our brain that the perceived danger is real and needs to be avoided. As you can imagine, this is a slippery slope, and one that we have all been down many times. The salient question is: How do you get off the slope onto more stable ground?
Interrupting the Worry Loop
The best way to interrupt the Worry Loop is to do the OPPOSITE of what Worry wants us to do, so that we can find out for ourselves that the perceived danger is all smoke and mirrors, contrived by our imaginations. If that sounds too scary, a change in behavior can be quite effective as well. This “practice” can look like stepping into a new and uncertain situation, dropping an anchor to connect with the real present moment (not the simulation Worry has created), or labeling our feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations in the moment, as opposed to judging our experience or jumping into action.
It is important to remember that when we worry about something and engage in safety behaviors, we are creating and strengthening neural pathways that support the very thing we are looking to eradicate. Despite these pathways being maladaptive and unhelpful, our brains remember them because we have put forth effort in establishing them. The brain learns through experience, and safety behaviors and worrying provide data that says, “The imagined threat is real!”
In order to interrupt the Worry Loop, it simply is not enough to change our thoughts. We have to actually step into uncomfortable and uncertain situations to learn the truth for ourselves. This may look like going outside on a sunny day even though you are afraid of getting stung by a bee, attending a party despite not knowing as many peers as might be ideal or eating the food Worry tells you is contaminated, despite contradicting evidence.
Stepping into uncertain situations can feel scary, and your young ones will likely need to understand the mechanisms of Worry and its connection with the amygdala before being willing to do so–but this is where you get the most bang for your buck when it comes to shrinking Worry.
Accommodating Anxiety
As parents and trusted adults, we have to be aware when our children or teens are engaging in safety behaviors. Without an acknowledgement of the safety behavior, we will be more likely to concur with Worry, and allow them to avoid situations that they need to face in order to diminish their fears.
Children and teens will engage in safety behaviors on their own, as this is a natural part of the cycle of Worry, but there are ways that parents accommodate their children’s Worry, and this occurs when parents support a safety behavior, either directly or indirectly. We also engage in accommodations when we respond to our children with certainty. Worry loves certainty, and no matter how much it has, it always wants more, an insatiable little imp.
Using some of the safety behaviors given above, here are accommodations that parents can engage in that may seem to be helpful in the short-term, but grow Worry in the long-term:
Safety behavior: Excessive reassurance-seeking
Example: “Am I going to have fun at the party?”
Accommodation: “Yes, you will most certainly have fun, but if you don’t I will come to pick you up early.”
Alternative response: “It is likely you will have fun, since you know so many people who will be there. If you do not, I would be surprised, but I also know you can handle this type of temporary discomfort. I will pick you up when the party is over.”
Safety behavior: Non-stop text messaging
Example: Your child hates Language Arts because the teacher is strict. Prior to going to this class, your child will text you incessantly saying that they cannot handle it and want to go home.
Accommodation: Any response in this case serves as an accommodation, as you are reinforcing the safety behavior of reassurance seeking by continuing the conversation.
Alternative response: “I know that this is a difficult feeling for you. But I also know that texting me is not helping, as it prevents you from problem-solving the situation yourself. If you keep feeling this way, go see the school counselor so they can help you with this situation.”
Safety behavior: Wearing excessive clothing to avoid attention
Example: Your child demands that you only buy them hoodies because they do not want anyone to see their arms.
Accommodation: You continue to buy your young one hoodies.
Alternative response: You limit the number of hoodies you buy for them and offer them the choice to circulate the same 2-3 sweatshirts, or wear something different.
As you can see, some safety behaviors fall on their face without parental accommodation. Your young one cannot text you if you set boundaries around messaging back. You teen will be forced to face their fear and wear short-sleeved shirts if they only have 2-3 hoodies to choose from, and if they decide to circulate the same 3 hoodies for the rest of the school year, that would be their choice, which you cannot control, but you don’t have to reinforce the sartorial behavior.
Peeling back on accommodations can feel “mean,” which is why most parents accommodate their children’s anxiety–the latter is most in alignment with parental instinct. In order to understand the impact of accommodation, however, you have to look at the big picture, not just the moment in which you are immersed. When in doubt, ask yourself, “Is this helping my young one’s anxiety in the long-term, or is it perpetuating the cycle?” If it is the latter, you are dealing with the accommodation of a safety behavior.
Making Incremental Changes
The older Worry is, the more leverage it has. If you have been accommodating your young one’s worries for quite some time, the way to institute change is not going cold turkey. Parents should help their young ones first become aware of the safety behaviors in which they are engaging.
Have your youngster select one behavior they would like to work on eliminating, and take small steps toward this goal. A caveat: Eliminating safety behaviors is not like ripping off a bandaid. Instead, it is more like dipping into a cold body of water little by little to give your body a chance to adapt and habituate to the change.
You may need the help of a trained therapist who can help you and your young one get started. In the meantime, check out the resources below for guidance.
Outsmarting Worry by Dawn Huebner, PhD (a book for tweens)
The A-Z Guide to Exposure by Dawn Huebner, PhD and Erin Neely, PsyD (a book for parents and kids)
Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents by Reid Wilson, PhD and Lynn Lyons (a book for parents)
Rethinking Anxiety: Learning to Face Fears (a TedTalk explaining anxiety)
