Stuck Behaviors and Thought Patterns: How to Help Our Children when Rock Brain Grabs Hold
We have all been there: An unexpected event occurs. Our young one’s emotions are triggered. And, just like that, they cannot seem to move past the private experience they are having. We try relentlessly to shift our child’s perception by talking to them logically, but that seems to only get them more stuck. Now, we’re stuck, but on the opposite end of the spectrum of our child, and it’s a stuck party, although no one is having fun, there are no hors d'oeuvres and the ending time is TBD. NOT a fun time for anyone involved.
“Stuck” behaviors come in all sizes, shapes and forms. They can range from a youngster not wanting to get off of their device, to a child refusing to go to school, to a teenager so fixated on their own point of view that they cannot see the havoc their behavior is wreaking.
Existentially, feeling “stuck” is part of the human condition. We all get lost in patterns of thought and behavior that build high walls, inadvertently blocking alternative perspectives. While getting “unstuck” is the goal, this is an impossible task to accomplish while the limbic region is reigning over the decision-making processes housed in our frontal lobes. Furthermore, our kids’ stuck emotions trigger our own, usually because the stickiness of their stuckness adversely impacts our life, and our agendas. It would be nice if there were a magical dog whistle we could blow to automatically get our children unstuck, but there is not–and yelling, coercing and arguing simply do not work. What is a parent to do?
If you are having a difficult time managing stuckness in your young ones, keep reading to learn ways to handle these sticky situations. Unfortunately, Goo Gone cannot save our young ones from cognitive rigidity, but hopefully the following tips can help defrost them:
Put your life vest on first. Most of us will instinctually respond to our children’’s emotions over our own. This comes from a deep biological need to keep our kin alive that probably traces back to troglodyte times. In a life or death situation, this biological pull makes sense. In everyday life, however, you often need to do the opposite of what your biology is telling you to do: for example, managing your emotional state first before trying to resolve an emotion your child is having. This can look like taking a break, walking away, or simply telling your young one that you are being triggered and need space. By doing so, you are role-modeling how to manage strong emotions while ensuring that a blowup is avoided. A win win, IMHO.
Figure out what is triggering you. Stuck feelings in our children can trigger big feelings in parents. Stuck behaviors can impact our schedules in ways that feel incredibly frustrating and inconvenient. They also can seem deliberate, despite being visceral, which adds insult to injury and can fuel our anger in a major way. Take a step back to identify what is triggering your emotions. Do you feel disrespected? Do you worry that you cannot control your child? Do you fear that your child’s behavior means you are a bad parent? By identifying your emotions and related thoughts, you are creating distance between your young one’s experience and your own, and you are gaining insight into why the behavior you are observing is so difficult for you. Believe it or not, but the anger we experience in stuck moments has less to do with our children, and more to do with what we think the behavior says about us.
Meet your young one where they are at. Stuckness occurs when our children’s brains mistake something uncomfortable with something threatening. When this interpretation is made, the amygdala takes over, shutting down the frontal lobe, which is the home to logic, and eliciting the fight/flight/freeze stress response. No amount of logic, reasoning or convincing will work to get your child unstuck. Instead, meet your child where they are and gently nudge them in the direction they need to be. This can look like a steady, silent presence, a gentle touch on the shoulder or a short supportive statement such as, “I am here when you are ready,” or “I can see that you are having a hard time.” Less is always more when emotions are in charge.
Get eye contact. Children and teens feel stuck when they are lost in a spiral of amygdala-based unhelpful thoughts. They need to get out of their minds, but often this is not something they are either willing or able to do while managing a wave of unexpected, strong feelings. One way you can help to save your young one from the grips of their synaptic firings is to obtain eye contact. If your child is able to affix their gaze to yours, and you are able to reciprocate, they will participate in human connection, which is the antidote to stuckness. Warning: When engaging in eye contact, look at your child with warmth and understanding. An angry glare will result in embarrassment and shame, which will only lead to more stuckness.
Get unstuck together. Grab a seat at the show and engage in some back and forth interaction with your young one. You can try to distract them by presenting them with a preferred toy or task, giving them a hug, doing some deep breathing while sitting next to them or offering to go outside with them to shoot some hoops or take a walk. The emotional brain cannot continue to reign if we are engaging in behavior that is unrelated to the focus of our stuckness. Co-regulation is one of the most effective tools we have as parents during moments when our children are at the mercy of their limbic region.
Wait it out. The good news: All feelings have a beginning, middle and end. The bad news: We have no idea how long the cycle will last. The tincture of time, along with parental patience, is the best way to help your child get unstuck from strong emotions. When all else fails, set a timer and wait out your child. Check in with them every 10-15 minutes to see if they are feeling ready to shift. If they are not, reset the timer and repeat. Most children and teens do not exceed one or two cycles of a timer accompanied by a calm presence.
Insert moments of flexibility into your daily regimen. Parents are petrified to rock the boat with a child who demonstrates rigid thinking patterns, and therein lies the problem: The child never gets to practice being flexible, and when they do, it is during a time that counts. Practice daily flexibility by ordering pizza from a different restaurant, running an unexpected errand on your way to a destination, or leaving the house a few minutes later than planned. By having your child use their flexibility muscles on a regular basis, you are teaching them that they can, in fact, handle unexpected situations: and at the core, life is truly random.
Separate your feelings from your child’s. It is so easy for our children’s feelings to mesh with our own. It is important to acknowledge the boundary that exists between your young one’s feelings and your own so that you are not swayed by their moments of stuckness. You can create this invisible space by walking away, taking time for yourself or simply acknowledging that emotional enmeshment is beginning to form. I like to envision a thin wall that exists between my children’s feelings and my own, and I also remind myself that my child is having a hard time, not giving me one, as a way to embrace the invisible separation between their nervous system and my own. Truth be told, this is exactly what healthy co-regulation looks like.
Reflect and revisit. You’re not going to get it right every time. During instances when you know you haven’t handled a stuck situation well, circle back to your young one to talk about what happened. Ask them how you could have better responded and come up with a plan for the next time a similar situation occurs. During this conversation, encourage your young one to share as well. Have them come up with a schema–with your support–to better manage their stuck part so that it does not commandeer them, and consequently you, along with the rest of the family.
Raising kids is hard work. There is no manual for managing Rock Brain, and the path out is truly different for each child. When in doubt, reach out to a friend, colleague or family member to hear how they respond to stuckness in their children. Every parent has dealt with this behavior at one time or another, on varying levels, and you may be surprised to learn how these cycles present in other people’s children. What is most personal is universal, and that’s a fact that cuts across all family dramas.
