Bedtime Worry: How to Address It without Capitulating to its Demands

As a new parent, I remember believing that if I could get my children to sleep through the night, bedtime would be smooth sailing from that point forward.  Boy, was I wrong!  I soon learned that nighttime has the capacity to bring about a number of challenges for young children, including unexpected bedwetting, night terrors, fears about the dark and worries about the arrival of sleep.  Despite all of this being completely normal, it can feel as if there is something wrong with you–or your child–when Worry gets in the way of a good night’s sleep.

Nighttime is amongst the richest soils where anxiety can thrive. Put together silence, an implicit expectation of solitude and one of the most anticipatory transitions of the day, and Worry is in its happy place, ready to grow and interrupt rest at any cost. Many children will suppress their worries throughout the day in an effort to avoid discomfort. What they don’t realize is that Worry is growing during this dilatory period, plotting and planning its nighttime appearance. Worry can be so sneaky and deceiving, especially when the potential of misery is high.

There are many different philosophies when it comes to addressing nighttime fears. Adults have to be aware of their parenting personalities, as well as their own nocturnal needs, before moving forward with a plan to address their child’s anxiety. If you are not a “tough love” kind of parent, implementing a strict nighttime protocol that requires you to leave your child in tears for an undetermined amount of time will likely not work. And, likewise, if you are not a super emotionally attuned parent, a lengthy nighttime routine that involves endless cuddles may not be right for you. 

Truthfully, neither end of this spectrum is a great place to reside. On one end, the parents’ needs are eclipsing their child’s. On the other end, the child’s needs are being met in a way that does not afford emotional autonomy. So, what is a tired parent to do? Keep reading to learn ways to address your child’s nighttime needs without eradicating or overemphasizing your own:

• Get curious. Curiosity is the best antidote to anxiety. Worry is all about certainty, and curiosity is about open-ended learning, as opposed to presumptive expectation. Have a curious conversation with your child about the Worry component, during which time your job is to learn. As part of this dialogue, you will want to ask questions that promote curiosity as opposed to making dead-end statements that suggest judgement or provide problem-solving advice. Worry does not like to be explored in an objective fashion. It prefers its subjects to either hate it, or think they can’t live without it, and a combination of both is most ideal, as this internal tension results in optimal attention, which fuels Worry’s growth. Channel some curiosity, and help your child to do the same. Here are some curious questions to consider:

• Tell me about the Worry part of your feelings. (Notice the emphasis on “part.”)

• If your Worry had size or shape, what would it look like?

• What about a color?

• If your Worry had a name, what would it be?

• What does your Worry tell you?

• How old is your Worry? (i.e., When did it begin?)

• How did your Worry start?

• Explore Nighttime Discovery.  Once you have established a stance of curiosity with your child’s Worry, come up with a plan to “test” some of its predictions. You will likely want to start this discovery practice with low-level worries so that your child can feel successful instead of overwhelmed by emotion. Here is how this conversion might play out:

  Child: I am worried that I will not be able to sleep unless I have ALL of my stuffed animals on my bed.

  Parent: Let’s come up with a plan to test this. How could we do it?

  Child: I don’t want to!
  Parent: Look, we both know that unless we find a way to test Worry’s predictions, you will always think it is right because you never found out for yourself.

  Child: (reluctantly) Ok. I guess I could try to sleep tonight without Flipper. That’s my least favorite stuffed animal.

  Parent: Awesome! Let’s be scientists and test the Flipper Hypothesis. If you can do this hard work, we can make those pancakes you’ve been wanting to make in the morning Remember–you can feel scared but be brave at the same time. I know you can do this.

  Without discovery, Worry will always reign supreme. If done the right way, Discovery can be fun and engaging, which is the polar opposite of blind adherence (Worry’s preference). Keep in mind that your young one has to be onboard with the Discovery exercise they plan to execute. If they are not ready to begin nighttime Discovery, ask them to identify a Worry predication they would feel comfortable testing. Your role during this process is to guide your child, not coerce them. Worry already has the coercive territory covered. 

• EXPECT Worry to appear.  Many children, and parents, will avoid talking about Worry during the daytime, out of fear that this conversation will evoke feelings of anxiety and make Worry bigger at night. Well, guess what folks…that’s avoidance, Worry’s main food group! You and your child should EXPECT that Worry will show up at night, and have a proactive conversation during the day about how your child wants to respond to it. Yes, your child has agency in their response, and this is where all of their power lies. They do not, however, have a choice as to whether Worry will show up or not, so this is not where they want to direct their attention. Remember, Worry is all about resistance. If your child is resisting the arrival of Worry, expecting its appearance is a great target intervention that Worry will not see coming. Your child can be tricky, too!

• Create a Coping Tools Bin together. In preparing for Worry’s bedtime arrival, children can create a bin of coping tools they can use beforehand or during its manifestation. This bucket of tools should be eclectic, containing objects that promote distraction, mindfulness and artistic or literary expression.  Parents can set an expectation that when Worry shows up, their child will use their coping tools bin for a predetermined amount of time before pressing the emergency button and calling for a parent. This practice will help to generate feelings of empowerment and assist in the development of self-soothing techniques without going for the gold first and immediately calling Mom or Dad to respond. Be certain to have your child play an active role in identifying and finding the tools they would like to stash inside this bin. It’s easy to make a smart guess about what your child may need, but if they are not part of the process of creation, they will be less likely to be part of the process of utilization.

• Offer to go back and check in on your youngster throughout the night.  Some children simply need the reassurance that their parent is present during the nighttime, and there are many creative ways to provide this comfort. Instead of sitting in your youngster’s room until they fall asleep, set a timer and tell them that you will check on them every 5 minutes. Once this timeframe is achieved, go up to 10 minutes, then 20, then 30, and so on and so forth.  Be certain to follow through on your promise, as consistency is key here. If you don’t, Worry will make both you and your child pay the price. Intermittent check-ins help to promote reassurance while encouraging independence, and you may be surprised to find your child soundly sleeping in the interim of your timed arrivals. 

• Bust out the worry dolls!  Worry dolls are amazing. Kids love them, and can be naturally open to the idea of sharing with them, which makes them a winning coping tool, IMHO. Give your child 4-5 worry dolls to keep and ask them to share their worries with these dolls, aloud or silently, before bedtime. Tell your child that the worry doll’s job is to hold onto their fears while they sleep, and if they would like their worries back in the morning, they worry dolls will gladly participate in this return. This is an effective tool in the postponement of Worry, which eventually leads to its deterioration. 

• Offer a plan to earn that feels empowering, as opposed to daunting. Incentives go a long way in the sleep department. Parents have to consider that from a pediatric perspective, there is nothing intrinsically motivating about facing Worry, especially at night. Children, who have a developing frontal cortex, are not going to look to the future and feel motivated to sleep alone so that they can attend a theoretical sleepover that hasn’t even been scheduled yet. They are going to need to be rewarded immediately for their efforts, and have a concrete plan to earn something that makes their struggles worth the trouble. Consider this as an example:

  Goal: Johnny will sleep in his bed alone.

  Incentive: A trip to the movie theater.

  Plan to earn: Johnny has to spend five full nights alone in his bed. For each night Johnny can achieve this goal, he earns a point toward his goal. If Johnny is not able to outsmart Worry on any given night, he simply does not earn toward this goal. Nothing gets taken away from the nights he has already earned. 

  Visual: Sticker chart that is posted on the refrigerator. 

  Many parents tend to use vague language which is unhelpful for children. Instead of, “Well, maybe if you can sleep alone this week we can do something fun this weekend,” shift your language to something that is more concrete, detailed and attainable–even quantifiable.

• Practice grace over guilt.  Even if you have contributed to your child’s sleep disturbances by co-sleeping or promoting other safety behaviors that have inadvertently grown Worry, it is never too late to begin an alternate plan. Getting lost on the Island of Parental Guilt is no place to begin the acquisition of new skills. We are all constantly learning, and very few behaviors are irreversible. You cannot unlearn, but you can always relearn a new way of being. Worry does NOT like this growth mindset, so please do not check with your Worry part to find out its approval rating. You will be disappointed, and so will your child.

Because I have had the pleasure of getting to know so many families on such a personal level, I understand and appreciate the pervasiveness of nighttime Worry. There tends to be a lot of shame and embarrassment about a child, tween, or even teen who experiences anxiety at night, and simply by talking about your situation with a trusted friend, family member or mental health support, you are chipping away at the shame that maintains Worry’s spiraling trajectory. The brain is loaded with neuroplasticity allowing us to relearn new ways of thinking and being-in-the-world. It is never too late to begin a new practice, despite what your anxiety, or parental guilt might tell you.