Adolescent Parenting: Managing the Disconnect without Taking Developmental Challenges to Heart
It is no secret that each phase of parenting has its unique and specific set of challenges. Infancy, toddlerhood and childhood are difficult, no doubt, but there are usually enough spontaneous hugs, frequent teacher check-ins and nighttime cuddles to keep parents moving along the right path.
Then, comes adolescence (DUN DUN DUN). It is characterized by mood swings, a lack of parental appreciation and side-eye glances that could burn a hole through the center of the Earth. To add insult to injury, youngsters are going through this tumultuous developmental time when grades and extracurricular engagement matter most, with the countdown to college beginning–or in full swing. Additionally, parents are less likely to connect with their own peer group during adolescence, because teens are orchestrating social interactions independent of their parents’ intervention, and gone are the days of bi-annual teacher conferences where everyone sits at a half-moon table explaining away relative challenges that are promised to dissipate with age. If that doesn’t push parents to their brink, I am unsure what will.
No one prepares parents for what they will experience when their child morphs into a tween or teen. Sure, friends may rant about having to be a transportation service to their busy teens, and others may complain about their young ones’ preoccupation with their peers, but only a few will talk about the feelings of visceral loneliness that materialize when their special little human, who used to love hugs and spontaneous raspberry kisses, but suddenly no longer wants to be in their presence. It’s nothing personal, but, man, does it feel targeted.
In my professional opinion, teenagers are amazing and amongst the most compassionate, innovative and slapstick-funny humans I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. As a whole person, however (not just a therapist), I recognize that parenting a child who seemingly rejects the core of your existence is not work for the faint of heart.
If any–or all of this–sounds too familiar, keep reading to learn ways to manage your teens’ and your own emotions, while riding the highs and lows of parenting an adolescent:
Learning not to take it personally. The brain undergoes a massive reconstruction during adolescence, starting with the limbic region, which is the home of emotions, and it is not until much later until the frontal cortex, responsible for logic, gets on board with these neurological renovations. To boot, the parts of the brain that are associated with social connection, risk taking and independence receive special attention during adolescence, pushing teens to want to be out of the house more, test boundaries and spend less time with their immediate family unit. It is easy for parents to want to push back on these seemingly alienating behaviors, but by doing so they are inadvertently thwarting their teen’s growth, and making it likely that their adolescent will engage in these behaviors clandestinely. Teenagers’ behavior can feel personal without being personal, and parents who take their teenagers’ behavioral choices personally put a major kibosh on developmental growth that is expected–albeit uncomfortable–during adolescence. When in doubt, blame the brain, not yourself, or your teen.
Enjoying the silence. Teenagers go cold on a regular basis. This surprising quietude, which can seem to come from out of the blue, emerges from various sources of input, including internal conflict, overstimulation or emotions that feel confusing or difficult to articulate. It is easy to interpret your teen’s silence as rejection or rudeness, but neither conclusion offers your teen the space they need to simply be. Silence offers a unique opportunity to connect in adolescence. Sitting with your child during moments of silence can communicate understanding, acceptance and validation, without anyone uttering a single word. Be aware of your own discomfort during these moments, and be careful not to stifle your teen’s need for silence because of anxiety you may be experiencing. Remember, you cannot always meet both your and your teen’s needs at the same time, and it is important to prioritize the latter whenever possible.
Entertaining shifting interests. It is highly unlikely that both you and your teen will share the same interests throughout the entirety of their adolescence. It is common for teens’ interest levels to migrate toward trends that seem outrageous, such as learning all of the moves to a TikTok dance, landing a cup on its bottom side during a game of cup-flipping or finding a rare gem on Etsy (that you know is likely a farce). Although it is easy for parents to let their sarcastic or eye-rolling parts get the best of them, it is critical that they express a genuine, or at least “disingenuous genuine” interest, in what their teen is showcasing. This can come in the form of questions, verbal kudos or a simple response of, “cool.” Be careful not to express criticism or shade during these instances of potential connection. If you shut your teen down when they are trying to connect with you, they will reciprocate this behavior royally.
Going from manager to mentor. In the blink of an eye, parents go from having the sun rise and set on them, to being the last person their teen wants to be seen with in public. Although It is hard not to feel offended in these moments, it is dually important to remember that just as your teenager is evolving, your relationship with them needs to as well. Teenager’s brains are preparing them each and every day to be independent individuals who do not need their parents for survival or advice. The parts of the brain that generate social connection are ramping up, and while this is happening, the parts of the brain that once valued blind parental obedience are telling them to push back and try to figure out things on their own. Instead of stewing over this perceived demotion, parents can embrace the new role of mentor, and learn about themselves from their teen. Sitting back and watching your young one make mistakes is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is also offering them the gift of experience, which is known to give the test first and the lesson second. If parenting a teenager was a shirt, it would say in bold letters, “Trust the Process.”
Attitude: NOT a sign of disrespect. Adolescence and attitude go hand in hand, and this is because a spirited tone of voice is the personification of boundary testing, which is a developmental task in which all teenagers are meant to engage, biologically. There are parents all over the world right now shouting the words, “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice!” and there are an equal number of teenagers rolling their eyes in return. Demanding that your teenager speak to you in a specific tone of voice is futile and ultimately outside your control. Parents who make “tone of voice” the target end up losing sight of the big picture entirely and find themselves engaging in pyrrhic power struggles that are impossible to win. Instead of demanding your teen address you in a tone of voice that makes you most comfortable, get curious about the tone of voice that is helping them feel comfortable by asking yourself the following questions: Why is this so triggering to me? What is behind my own anger? What is difficult about this for me? By developing curiosity about your own emotions, instead of focusing on your teen’s, you are ensuring a path to personal growth that will allow you to weather any attitudinal storm adolescence might stir.
Parenting a teen is not a one-size-fits-all experience. You ultimately have to parent the child in front of you, not the child your teen once was. The brain has difficulty differentiating between imagination and reality, so be aware of this confusing trick when the magician in your mind is using your consciousness as bait. No matter what you do or where you go in your parenting journey, lead with connection, not correction, and you cannot go wrong.
