Summertime Separation Anxiety: Talking Through Fears to Initiate Positive Change
Most kids, parents and educators spend the school year breathlessly awaiting the arrival of summer, in hopes that the freedom and openness the months of June, July and August offer can help us reset and rejuvenate after 10 months of hard work, jam-packed schedules and early morning wakeups.
When we think about summer, our brains conjure up memories of FUN: ice cream trucks, trips to the beach, fireworks. The optimist in me can’t wait to sleep in and rest. The realist in me, however (DUN DUN DUN) dreads arguing with my young ones about regulating their sleep schedules, leaving the house and turning off technology. As a therapist, I know all too well that the things our society thinks should bring happiness can also precipitate anxiety–especially for those who benefit from structure, predictability and consistency.
One of the “elephants” in the summertime room is separation anxiety. Surprisingly, summer proves to be a breeding ground for anxiogenesis. Kids spend more time with their parents than any other time of the year, and there is very little kids have to do, unlike the school year, when 181 days are dictated by the government. There is a lack of structure, even if kids attend camp, and most social interactions are spontaneous, unpredictable and unmarked by rigid time constraints. If that weren’t enough, avoidance is not only acceptable, but easy peasy. Summer is a dream for the parts of our brain that worry–our “Worry Parts.” And here, separation anxiety can reign supreme.
If you are noticing a spike in your anxiety as you attempt navigate the dog days of summer with a child who does not want to leave your side, read on for advice that can help tame your young one’s worry:
Put a label on it. Naming symptoms helps improve our chances of understanding and managing what we are experiencing. Talk with your young one about separation anxiety, explaining that it is a type of Worry that makes children feel afraid when they separate from their parents. Because it is a type of Worry, it functions the same way all anxiety does by telling us something bad will happen in the future and convincing us to avoid situations it thinks are scary.
Normalize it. Your child is likely experiencing an element of shame as they try to conceptualize their Worry and assume their friends do not have the same fears. Separation anxiety is not only common: it is a type of Worry that affects humans throughout their lifespan. When you observe separation anxiety in others, talk about this observation with your young one to help normalize this Worry and spark a discussion about how others manage (or mismanage) it.
Be truthful with your child, even if it upsets them. Your child might not want to detach from your hip this summer when they arrive at play dates, camp, or art class. It is all too easy to tell your child that you are just going around the corner to prevent a major meltdown, but this action can actually increase their anxiety in future situations once they figure out that you have not been truthful. Talk with your child ahead of time about your plans to leave them, and ask them how they can respond to their Worry when it shows up instead of managing using presence to cork the proverbial bottle.
Point out problematic patterns. Talk with your child about what you have noticed about their Separation Worry. Personification helps. Have you heard Worry tell them they cannot be without you, despite the fact that they spend most of their day at school with another adult? Have you noticed that when they capitulate to Worry, it has more demands the next time around? Have you picked up on the fact that Worry only ever talks about the future, and when your child thinks about the future, their Worry grows? Your child has an intimate and private relationship with their Worry, and they are likely unaware of the maladaptive dynamics that support Worry’s growth. Sharing your observations can help them see their Worry from a different angle and initiate change.
Practice stepping into uncomfortable situations. Just like any other skill we wish to master, managing Worry requires experiential learning. The only way to participate in this type of learning with Worry is to engage it. Encourage your young one to practice facing Worry by stepping into situations that will evoke it. Make these exercises fun by brainstorming a list of things your child can do to anger Worry, and pair each activity with the acquisition of a “Bravery Ticket” for extra buy-in. Explain to your child that this is practice, so there is no pressure to figure things out the first time. The goal of practice is to learn, and there is lots of rich knowledge that children can acquire as they practice confronting their Worry. What does Worry say to them? How do they know it's there? How does Worry make their body feel? What helps? What makes Worry bigger? As it turns out, curiosity didn’t just kill the cat; it also has the power to dissipate Worry.
Anticipate Worry’s Arrival. Most kids and parents spend time talking about how NOT to worry. Do you want to stay home? Do you want me to stay with you? If you feel too nervous I can pick you up. The things we resist, persist, and this could not hold more truth or weight in the realm of anxiety. An attitude of expectancy and acceptance goes a long way in effectively addressing anxiety. Make a list with your young one with all of the times they can expect Worry to pop in this summer. Examples may include going to the dentist, jumping off the diving board at the community pool, arriving at the airport, and other anticipatory experiences. Worry is a normal part of human existence and NOT an indication that something is dangerous, despite the broken record Worry likes to spin at its rave.
Do not provide too much certainty. Your child will probably demand an unreasonable amount of certainty during times of separation. Where will you be? When will you come home? What if no one talks with me at the party? Instead of assuring your child everything will be OK, differentiate what you know to be true from what you do not. No one can predict how future conversations will run, but what you do know is that at the sleepover, your child will have several friends there with whom they have had reciprocal conversations in the past. They will manage moments of awkward silence then just as they have before, in the moment. Providing our kiddos with too much certainty implies that unexpected moments can be prevented. This belief contradicts the truth, and sets our kids up for failure, despite our best intentions.
Build “Reminder Bridges.” Worry has selective amnesia and harnesses the power to make children forget about all of the amazing tasks they have accomplished. When your young one shares that they cannot stand the thought of being at their friend’s birthday party alone, remind them of the 181 days they spent this school year without you. When your child demands that you must stay for their dance class, talk to them about the soccer practices they spent with their coach and teammates. If your young one is having difficulty remembering their brave experiences, create an ongoing list of times they do things alone or without a parent present for reference during future moments of forgetfulness.
Anxiety feeds on unpredictability, inconsistency and boredom, and summer presents the perfect combination of these elements for even the busiest camp-goer. Pay attention to any separation anxiety your child may experience this summer, and be certain to face it head-on, with the utilization of psychological supports that can help you and your young confront Worry directly.
