What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious
How to respect feelings without amplifying fears.
Anxiety is a fact of life. Our brains are hardwired to experience fear, and it is this response that ensures our survival. While anxiety has its helpful components, it certainly has its own set of debilitating effects if not properly managed.
Parents want to help their children when anxieties surface, and this help often comes in the form of protection. There is a very fine line between helping and enabling, and this boundary becomes blurred as adults do their best to help dissipate children’s fears. Without intending to do so, many parents and adults exacerbate children’s anxiety levels by shielding them from anxiety-producing situations. The key to dealing with anxiety is gentle exposure in combination with the practice of healthy coping strategies. If children learn to fear and avoid the things that make them feel anxious, emotional learning cannot take place.
Below are tips and advice on how to manage your child’s anxiety levels while empowering them to believe they can face and overcome their fears.
The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety, but find ways to manage it.
Despite common belief, the best way to help children overcome anxiety ISN’T to remove the stressors that trigger it. While removing a stressor may yield immediate results, the child dealing with the stressor never truly learns how to manage his/her anxiety in the moment. I often liken emotional growth to riding a bicycle. If we only tell our children how to ride a bicycle but never give them practice, they will not know how to ride a bicycle when it is time for them to get on the bike. The same is true of feelings: While processing emotions during calm times is wonderful, stressful times can be opportunities for youngsters to practice coping skills in vivo. It’s a little like on-the-job-training! We want to teach our children that while anxiety is not pleasant, it is a feeling they can learn to deal with, and the best way to learn is in the moment. If we can reframe stressful situations as opportunities to practice coping skills our children will feel more empowered to deal with undesirable situations, which are ultimately part of life and unavoidable.
Don’t avoid things just because they make your little one anxious.
Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of may make them feel better in the short-term, but this action, which is seemingly harmless, can create a cycle of anxiety that perpetuates stress in the long-term. By allowing our children to avoid anxiety-producing situations, we are inadvertently teaching them that their fears are valid and anxiety IS something that needs to be avoided. This often leads to children repeating behaviors that got them out of the original situation (crying, pretending they’re sick, etc.) and creates a cycle of anxiety and avoidance that can be persistent and difficult to eradicate. Instead of avoiding anxiety, empower your youngster to believe that they can deal with the situation, even if they feel anxious. Anxiety is part of life and it is best that children learn ways to manage this emotion starting from a young age.
Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings
Validation and agreement are not one and the same. If a child is afraid to go to the doctor, you don’t want to belittle their fears (“That’s a silly worry!”), and you also don’t want to amplify their worries (“That’s going to be terrible!”). It is most helpful to validate the emotion your youngster is experiencing (“I can see you’re feeling nervous.”) and let them know that they will be able to deal with the situation with your support. You can also encourage your child to think positive and realistic thoughts about the situation and teach them strategies they can use to manage their anxiety levels when this emotion pops up.
Set a good example
Children’s minds are like sponges. They internalize the external reactions they see the adults in their lives displaying and, if we are not careful, children may learn maladaptive coping strategies simply through everyday observation and exposure. Be sure not to verbalize unhelpful thoughts around your child. Have a “can do” attitude and show your youngster through positive role-modeling that anxiety is not something that needs to be avoided or feared. It is a part of life and is manageable with the proper support.