Time-In Versus Time-Away
Navigating Misbehavior in a Meaningful Way
Parenting is hard work, and it seems as if this hard work becomes increasingly difficult when summertime arrives. During the school year, we are used to our children being involved in structured daytime activities. When 5:00 arrives, we scramble to put food on the table, then it’s off to the shower for some much-needed cleaning, and bedtime by the most reasonable hour we can achieve. This rigorous routine doesn’t leave much free time and, as such, there are less unstructured activities for children to navigate. Unstructured time can be a wonderful thing, but it is also an opportunity for misbehavior.
Many parents opt to send their children to “time-out” or, as I like to call it, “time-away” when poor choices are made. While I fully appreciate and support the theory behind time-away, it is challenging to make time-away effective and meaningful for little ones. Often, children understand they have done something wrong, but they are unsure of how to rectify the situation. They may sit, pout, cry or have an all-out tantrum in time-away, but they typically don’t know how to independently self-calm or perform an act of restorative justice to help right their wrong.
Children who are able to sit quietly during time-away are considered a success in most parents’ eyes, but I am left wondering what they really accomplished and the lesson they actually learned. Did they learn that time and space away from external stimuli helps one to self-calm and locate a more rational mindset, or did they just arrive upon the conclusion that people don’t want to be around them when they make bad choices. If the latter is the case, children will learn to lie to avoid the dreaded time-away, and this is a behavioral pattern that can be difficult to reverse once it is set in motion. Additionally, some children begin to connect shame with poor choices, which leads to self-deprecating thoughts and reluctance to practicing emotional honesty.
An alternative to time-away is “time-in.” As opposed to sending young ones to their rooms as a chastisement for a wrongdoing, time-in is quality time spent together in a quiet area with both the parent and child present. This practice offers the parent the opportunity to validate their child’s emotions, while helping children calm down in a healthy and recommended fashion. This can also be a time to identify resoractive acts through which children can communicate their remorse. Time-in can take place in the youngster’s room, or in an alternate location within the home. Time-in is most ideal when the parent is calm. Parents may need to separate themselves from their children before participating in time-in to ensure that they can be in an emotionally accessible place while processing an emotionally charged situation. If you find yourself needing to take time away from your child to compose yourself after an emotional interaction, take this time, and explain why you are doing so to demonstrate healthy coping. Below are some ideas you can use in initiating time-in:
Let your child know you are disappointed with their actions and allow them to feel sad, cry or even yell, while you stand by in a visible area. Your child will feel supported by your presence and learn that you still love him/her, despite the poor choice that was made. Children are concrete creatures. Even though you still love them during a time-away, they are naturally bound to feel less supported if they cannot see you. Time-in also affords you the opportunity to see how your child is coping. If you notice your little one engaging in an unhealthy behavior, such as hitting themselves, you can redirect your child to take their anger out on a stress ball instead.
Once your child has calmed, you can have an honest conversation about what happened. Encourage your little one to identify the emotion they experienced, the choice they made, how that choice made others feel, how that choice made them feel and what they could have done differently should that same situation arise in the future, which it most likely will. These questions are part of social mapping, which help youngsters understand the emotional consequences of their behavioral choices.
Identify and carry out a restorative act of justice. Have your little one write an apology letter using the three-part apology: “I am sorry for _____. Next time I will _____. Do you accept my apology?” Ask your youngster to clean up the mess they made if they knocked down their younger brother’s Lego creation, for example, and see if they can reconstruct the structure with some help. Have your child make a drawing with the dinnertime rules for all family members to see if they violated a stated or unspoken expectation during a meal. The aforementioned examples are acts that will help to repair a severed relationship and promote feelings of empowerment.
Use the time together as an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. All too often, our children leave time-away frustrated and do not want to talk about what happened. I have found that once children have calmed during a time-in, they are more willing to discuss the events that took place. Here are some good questions to begin a productive conversation: What happened? What were you thinking of at the time? What have you thought about since? Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way? What do you think you need to do to make things right? Take this time to listen, truly listen, to your child’s verbalization of their innermost thoughts without criticism or judgment.
No matter which way we slice the pie of parenting, effective discipline is a challenge for most parents. If time-away works for you and your little ones, then stick with it. If you find, however, that time-away results in a power struggle, or you are worried that this discipline method isn’t achieving the results you anticipated, give time-in a try to find out for yourself what this practice is all about.